


waterloo

by listenup_folks



Category: fifth harmony - Fandom
Genre: F/F, Friends to Lovers, Im a sucker for happy endings, Pining, power through
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-06-28 00:23:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 29,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15696402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/listenup_folks/pseuds/listenup_folks
Summary: Lauren has always known Camila is the most amazing person in the whole world. It isn't until her senior year that she realizes there's only one "most amazing person in the world" and that she wants nothing more than for that person to be hers.





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> also on wattled @ longerr_hours  
> I had. along wish break but I"m back ??!!! and better than ever !! not really but here is this, probably gonna be short series.

sometimes I think about her smile and it makes me so happy that I begin to wonder how I looked at it and remained unaffected for so long - 8/13/18 LJ

There comes a moment in every relationship where the tide changes. Where there's a shift from strangers to friends or from friends to strangers, acquaintances to enemies, an endless list of switches and turns that you can't possibly see happening until you feel what you're bound to feel for someone in the end of the day.

Exhibit A, Lauren had always known Keana, always kind of disliked Keana, always had mutual friends with Keana, but randomly sleeping with her senior year was unexpected. 

They'd been like, mutuals on everything, but when Keana finally dumped her old boyfriend, somehow Lauren ended up with the urge to slide in, and somehow it worked, and that's how Lauren spent most of her senior year heart broken over the other girl when their 'one time thing' turned into a 'three time thing' and then into a 'Keana getting back with Jason' thing. 

She remembers Keana texting her while she was at work and she remembers needing to go into the closet in the backroom to pull herself together. Sure, it was only like a month, but Keana was the first person she'd hooked up with that meant anything. 

She'd been clear that she didn't know what she wanted but she'd also told Lauren she was magical, that she was everything she's been looking for, and that Jason was an arrogant asshole. So when Lauren got a text saying they'd be better off as friends and that with college around the corner it's a bad idea, it hurt. 

It didn't hurt as much as it could've though, because Camila wandered back from break after like five minutes and cracked a pun about being in closets when she saw the older girl in clear distress. That made Lauren smile.

Another example is Vanessa. One of Lauren's long time friends who spread more rumors about her than she can list. It sucked, finding out that the one who had been comforting you is the one who started the pain is like, it sucks. 

Camila is the one who told her. She broke it to her gently, said that she'd heard Vanessa and some friend's talking about feeling guilty and that she couldn't stand seeing Lauren being friends with people that don't deserve to be friends with her. 

That was more recent, and that was the first time she realized Camila's hugs could probably cure the most severe of sicknesses, put a smile on the loneliest faces. 

And finally, the most current and stressful example, is her innocent friendship with the younger girl turned into a full blown crush, adoration, infatuation, one that sparked out of nowhere and doesn't seem to be calming down anytime soon. 

Lauren told herself she was done with crushing on straight girls, done with crushing on her friends. But everything about Camila Cabello is more wonderful than anything she's experienced in another person and she can't help herself when it comes to tripping like crazy over the other girl. 

They have a long past of friendship, but she's never thought this could lead to something other than that. 

Lauren and Camila have known eachother since middle school. Camila being two years younger, was actually friends with Taylor first since they had classes together. Lauren just remembers her as that loud funny girl her sister hung out with in seventh grade.

So they were acquainted. Lauren didn't really take notice of Camila in any way other than simply being friendly to one another until her junior year. Camila was just a freshman and she was playing for Lauren's softball team.

They got closer. Like not best friends, but spending every day with someone for at least three hours is kind of enough to form a friendship, and Lauren become pretty fond of the younger girl. 

That's when Lauren realized Camila might just be the most wonderful person in the world. She was so sweet and funny and caring and a bitch when she had to be, and Lauren absolutely adored her.

Platonically though. Camila adored her right back, in a way that Lauren would describe a pure, wholesome friendship in which they just thought the world of each other, but not in a gay way, just in a "you're literally so amazing I could die" type of way.

(Really, Lauren knows that's what everyone says when it is in fact in a gay way, but it really really wasn't gay back then.)

They weren't really close to begin with, but something within them just clicked and from that point on it was like they were old friends. They never really hung out but whenever they interacted it was all smiles and no awkward small talk. Lauren never knew her face could light up that much when it came to one of her friends but she didn't mind at all, enjoying how wholesome her friend crush on Camila was.

Looking back on it now, Lauren wonders if something in her always knew she was going to end up pining after the younger girl.

She also wonders is maybe how Camila liked her was more than platonically. The care Lauren had for her was always heavily reciprocated, so she doesn't think it's stupid to assume it's more than likely Camila's felt the same way at least at some point.

After softball ended they drifted apart, but they had classes together and they remained friends via those, until they were put in close enough quarters to be close again. 

Lauren worked at Stop and Shop ever since the end of her junior year, Camila got a job there about a month after Lauren and they worked together enough that they were once again good friends, this time year round. 

They work for the home deliveries, Peapod, and where Lauren is great at it and quickly the managers favorite, Camila is slow and kinda lazy, but so sweet that it becomes endearing and a quick number two. (Also like, Lauren may or may not hype her up a lot to Jasmyn, the manager, so that's kind of part of it.)

They bond a lot over time, and Lauren likes to think she knows Camila pretty well by the time another year has gone by. 

(She always regrets not realizing her feelings for Camila sooner. She wasted so many months not paying enough attention to her, not holding onto any of her words long enough.)

Camila was always an amazing person though, so even when she didn't fancy her she did pay at least a little bit more attention than she usually does. Lauren's known how amazing she is since they were younger, but she really feels the care the other girl holds during her first major mental breakdown before she goes to school. 

It's a Tuesday, and she'd just gotten into a fight with her brother over how ignorant he is lately. He hasn't really been that bad, but she went to pride alone that weekend, and she hasn't gotten so much as a snapchat from any of her best friends for the past few days and she really just feels like nobody cares. 

So she cries. It's not really over college. There's been a self loathing inside her ever since Keana dumped her for Jason and her self esteem has been at it's all time low and she really really can't get over the feeling that nobody would notice if she weren't around. 

Lauren's been fighting with depression on and off for years, but this is a low she's never known before and as of late the events taking place haven't been helping to ease the hopelessness she's been feeling. 

So she cries and cries and cries until her face hurts. 

She still has her streak with Keana on snapchat and she guesses she's still holding onto that because when she finally opens her phone and sees the timer, she sends a pic even though her eyes are puffy and her face is read. 

Keana leaves her on open. 

That's when it hits her that maybe nobody does care.

So she snapchats Kevin, one of her only other streaks that hasn't died yet. He replies, but he doesn't acknowledge how upset she obviously is, just sends a picture of the friends he's with, her friends, that didn't feel the need to include her. 

When she's giving up on herself, wanting to just go to sleep and not wake up for a few weeks, she gets a snapchat from Camila. They had a streak, but Camila isn't on her phone much so it keeps on dying, and each time Camila sends the same giggly snapchat apologizing. 

This one isn't giggly, but it is Camila's hairline so she replies. 

It only takes ten seconds for her to have Camila's face in her inbox again, this time concerned with the caption, "are you okay".

That gives her a little bit of hope. 

She doesn't tell Camila about why she's sad. She tells her she's not okay, and that she's so sad she has to leave her mom for school. She tells her that She's going to miss her sister and then she tells her she isn't sure how she's going to survive not seeing Camila herself every day. 

She doesn't tell her the truth, but she does tell her some truth and Camila listens and she tells her that she'll visit her every weekend that she can because she's going to miss Lauren so much. And she tells her how she has to put her dog to sleep soon and that she's had a bad day too. And she tells her that she still has the whole summer to spend time with the people she needs to. 

She leaves the conversation with more than a little bit of hope, and she thinks Camila Cabello may have just saved her. 

-

So they get a little bit closer in the first month of summer. 

So much closer that it's become a thing to rant and share stories and rant more than Lauren has felt comfortable with most people these days.

She knows Camila is friends with Taylor, but as of lately she's closer despite the ages. 

"So she's just sleeping with him? That sucks if she does like him," Camila replies to Lauren's ten minute rant about Taylor's new boy toy. He talked dot her last year but out of nowhere ghosted her and suddenly he's back in her life and more discouragingly in her pants. Lauren tries not to be too protective but she can't help it when she thinks Taylor is about to be heartbroken. 

"I know," Lauren replies running a hand through her hand. "And I'm trying not to get too involved but..."

"Look Lo, I know you're just overprotective but I think Taylor knows what she's doing, I mean she has a lot of guys chasing after her, maybe Alan really changed and he's trying to actually commit this time," Camila tries to advise. 

"Maybe," Lauren sighs, "I just hate boys so much Camz."

And that's when Lauren finally finds someone who shares her hatred for boys. Sure Lauren is bisexual, but she considers her attraction to some boys to be her greatest downfall as a person. They're all like, horrible, Noah fence. But Lauren is into girls and that's why she despises boys, as far as she knows Camila is straight, so that's the first time she gets a red flag that something may be up. 

This is about a month before Lauren catches feelings for the younger girl. She casually asks Taylor if she's ever gotten vibes from Camila, not wanting to out her but being super curious, and Taylor confirms that she's always though Camila was bisexual since she was obsessed with Justin Bieber but just as in love with Selena. 

So no she doesn't like her yet, but she does think Camila might be something other than straight. 

-

The liking her comes unexpectedly. Despite maybe having some signs, Lauren always really believes her care for Camila is platonic. That she just has a huge friend crush on her. 

It changes the week Lauren has to cover shifts for her boss. She usually works morning with one of her managers Jasmyn, but her other manager took the week off so Lauren has to cover the night shifts. Camila works the night shifts, so it's no surprise when she sees the younger girl being one of the people on with her every night. 

"Hey Camz!" Lauren shouts enthusiastically as she sees the younger girl entering the backroom. "I missed you, oh my god," she continues, moving around to greet her in a hug that's eagerly reciprocated by the smaller girl. She'd been in LA for a week and it felt like decades since they'd actually worked together so she was enthusiastic when Camila walked into the room with her coffee. 

"I missed you too Lauren," Camila grins, finally pulling back when she almost spills her starbucks on Lauren. "It's been like... three weeks? Damn that's like ten years when it comes to you."

So they've always been friends.

"I know, you aren't allowed to go on anymore vacations until the summer's over," Lauren scolds jokingly before turning back to her u-boat to finish getting ready.

"You're the one that's leaving me! I should just make you stay where we are. It's ridiculous that you expect me to just let you leave like this. If we can't handle three weeks where are we possibly gonna get three months of life without each other?" Camila jokingly rants, tying her apron and settling next to Lauren.

"Hey Dinah, oh yeah I missed you too. Oh yeah my break was fun, how were your concerts?" Dinah interrupts from the work desk before Lauren can answer Camila. 

"Sorry D," Camila grins before pulling her into a hug as well. "This is a good night crew, Louie ain't here?" she asks, referring to the other manager. 

"Nope, that's why I am," Lauren answers, "she's off for the week, some vacation with her boyfriend." 

"Thank god," Camila responds, "I'd take you over her any day of the week."

And Camila has a really nice smile. 

Lauren catches feelings quickly, and after that thought the rest of the night is spent thinking Camila is the prettiest person she knows. Her smile, her eyes, her body. Not to mention Lauren's a sucker for girls with long hair. She compliments Camila on her hair a lot and hopes it isn't obvious that she's thinking about running her fingers through it. 

They split a bag of chips and bagel bites for break and spend the twenty minutes captivated by each other despite the other four girls that's up there with them. 

Lauren drives home that night listening to everything has changed and smiling like an idiot when Camila snapchats her to start another streak. 

-

Lauren has a really bad habit of imagining stuff to mean more than it does. She's done this with every crush she's ever had, from Julianna when she was twelve and in her gay panic, to Cassie this year, who is very much heterosexual despite what Lauren convinced herself when she had a crush on the girl.

She thinks everyone does it, but she also thinks everyone knows that they do it. Like Lauren will lie to herself pretty well, but deep down she usually knows which girls are straight and which girls just... are not at all in the slightest. It's her impeccable gaydar, like really it's good.

She doesn't want to do that with Camila.

She wants to avoid all false hope she can get because she's been there. Every girl who likes girls has. When you have a crush on your straight friend and it takes a fucking decade and then some to finally be over that type of thing.

So she can't do that again and she really really tries not to feed herself false information.

She does however allow herself to overanalyze the little moments that she should be brushing off.

Something changes though after the fourth day in a row they work together.

Now, there's two types of staring at your friend. One, is that you just zoned out. Full on space cadet and there's not even a bat of an eye if you get caught because you don't realize you're doing that.

The other is when you don't really process how deeply you're looking at them, but when you meet eyes you laugh and both brush it off.

There's only one type of staring at your crush. Lauren has mastered it at this point but it's evident that Camila hasn't when Lauren meets her eyes across the busy back room.

Camila doesn't laugh, she doesn't stay zoned out, she doesn't brush it off.

Camila blushes. She quickly looks away and she blushes, but the smile covering her face when she looks back to a smiling Lauren is more important because it matches the adoring look Lauren is giving her.

And like, Lauren makes a damn fool out of herself for the rest of her shift, smiling like an idiot and asking customers how they're doing - who tf does that?

She breaks with Camila which is kind of new. She used to only break with Lucy or Dinah so when she asks Jasmyn to wait for Camila, she gets a kind of funny look before a nod and another assignment to kill the time. 

It's little things, like how they share lunch on breaks, or how Camila seems so focused on Lauren despite most people using break to be on their phones. Little things make Lauren think she stands a chance. 

And she really hopes she isn't reading the signs wrong, but then something happens that makes her think she's been nothing but right. 

Now Lauren doesn't like to brag. Like she's actually too insecure to brag about anything, but if there's one thing she's positive of, its that she's that bitch. She's that senior that all the gay underclassmen have crushes on. It's kind of flattering, but mostly annoying since they all follow her on everything and slide in her dms more than she can count and try to get Taylor to set them up with her. It's like frustrating. 

It turns helpful when it gives her a semi solution to her Camila problem a few days after it really kicks in. 

"Hey Lauren," a voice breaks her from her work trance while she's picking apples for another order. 

It's Mitchie. She's one of the ringleaders of sophomores that are obsessed with her. She's nice, don't get Lauren wrong, but she's so all over her that it kind of hurts. Like coming to her work and acting like they're friends is kinda creepy. 

She messages her a lot about horoscope stuff, knowing that Lauren is a sucker for it, and uses it to her advantage in having a longer than ten second conversation with her. She's not so bad, but Lauren doesn't like the way she looks at her and she really doesn't like the way she acts like this is going somewhere it most definitely is not. 

"Hey, Mitchy, what's up?" she's also one of Taylor's actual friends. The only one who actually stood a chance with Lauren if Camila hadn't wormed her way into her heart. 

That's another thing though, Lauren did kinda think Mitchy was cute but she felt creepy pursuing one of these younger girls. She's always though it was weird how senior boys pride themselves in being 'the freshmen slayer' and that shit because in Lauren's mind it's really fucked. Like these girls seem so young to her, how can they go after them without feeling like pedophiles?

"Nothing really, just wanted to grab Starbuck's and I saw on your story that you were here so I may have grabbed you a coffee," she shrugs, as if that's not like, weird, as if it's an every day occurrence and Lauren panics momentarily that it might become one. 

But she takes the coffee, because duh, free coffee, and she makes her way back to the back room with a tight lipped smile and a forced upon her hug. 

"You got Starbucks without me? Asshole," and that's Camila, smiling as always and low-key (Lauren would never say this to her face because she adores her), sucking at her job as always. 

"Actually I did not," Lauren shrugs, "Mitchy just like- you know her right? She brought me it," Lauren explains, not thinking it's a big deal but still a little uncomfortable with the attention. 

"What? Why would she bring you coffee?" Camila asks and Lauren looks up to find her not so smiley anymore and wow she's never seen Camila look irritated in this way. 

"Oh ahahah I've always meant to ask you about this actually," Lauren starts, kind of laughing but only to conceal her excitement about what might be a display of jealousy? Maybe? Hopefully? "Those girls in your grade, the gay ones, I think they're all like in love with me. Taylor always tells me they're obsessed and they're always messaging me and - I mean I don't show any interest obviously but Mitchy mistakes friendliness for... I'm not sure actually, I'm not even that friendly toward her," Lauren explains, and she'll be damned if this isn't jealousy she's seeing. 

"Well I wouldn't blame them," Camila says and Lauren's face lights up too much to conceal at the compliment, "but I don't think they're gonna take a message, so maybe I'll have to help." 

And Lauren doesn't know what Camila means at first, like really has no clue because she's too caught up in the previous compliment. But she gets what the younger girl means when she grabs the coffee and snaps a selfie drinking it.

"What're you-"

"Check snap," Camila smirks before turning back to her work. 

Thanks for the coffee :)). , her message reads, and Lauren can't hold back a loud laugh that the grocery guys glare over at her for. But she keeps laughing and so does Camila after a second. 

"Thanks Camz," Lauren says finally. "Really, maybe they'll leave me alone now."

"Yeah anytime, wouldn't want them thinking they stand a chance now would we?" 

And like, so Lauren sometimes imagines signs that somebody is into her but this time? That seemed pretty real to her.


	2. 2

There is something romantic about unrequited feelings. dedication, passion, love so deep for someone with no reciprocation, the fact that it can remind, there is something so romantic and beautiful about absolute hopeless devotion - 8/15/18 LJ

"You have a crush on Camila!?" Lucy yells in surprise, eyebrows raised and jaw dropped in surprise. 

"Shut up Lucy," Lauren shushes her, they're in Lucy's car so like she doesn't really need to shush her but she can't even look at herself without feeling like a creep anymore with this new crush. 

"Camila Cabello? Lo, I know she's the most amazing ever but she's Camila," Lucy scolds again, eyebrows still up in concern, "it's always been platonic and I know, I know she's amazing but you can't!"

"I know!" Lauren snaps back, rubbing between her eyebrows. "Don't you think I know that! I can't help it Lucy, we've just been working together and she's so sweet and-"

"I know she is, she's Camila," Lucy interrupts, "but c'mon Lauren, I really feel like this is a bad idea."

"I know, I know trust me I've been beating myself up over it, but you're back now Lucy. You're my best friend please just let me talk about it, I'm going to die if I can't take about it."

Lucy sighs, but nods after a moment of steadying Lauren with a look. 

Lucy had been in Maine at her parents lake house for the few weeks of August that Lauren had been tripping over her own feet for the younger girl. 

Lucy was like Lauren's meditator though, Lauren was overwhelmed but her feelings for the younger girl and not having Lucy here made everything worse. She wasn't necessarily excited to tell her. Like Lauren, Lucy adored Camila as a friend. 

It started a few months ago when Lucy was drunk at a concert and Camila ditched her own friends to make sure the older girl was safe. That made her realize Lauren was right whens he said she was the most amazing, sweetest person, but she also never though Lauren's feelings would go deeper. Usually Lauren has absurd crushes but not on her friends. 

Lauren didn't want to tell her though. Lucy had picked her up from work that night because she was finally home from vacation and they had to catch up, and Lauren couldn't wipe the smile off her face after another shift with Camila. She brought up how insane she's going lately, trying to be vague but Lucy saw right through that. 

When she demanded to know who it was on Lauren couldn't get herself to say it. Sure Camila is wonderful and it's nothing about her, but Lauren is kind of ashamed of this. She has a feeling Camila likes girls, but what if she doesn't? Then that makes Lauren the creepy older girl preying on a sixteen year old. 

She's also feeling weird about crossing such a line. She's always loved Camila, but platonically. If she allows herself to fall deeper into this crush then what happens? There isn't any turning back because if Lauren knows anything it's that she falls hard, and she really doesn't want another unreciprocated love story. 

She hasn't told anyone though, so Lucy begging to know is enough to crack her. 

It hadn't been direct though. 

"Who is it Lo, you can tell me this shit remember?" Lucy had bribed, and despite being so comforted by Lucy's smile Lauren still couldn't say it. 

"I can't Luce, I legit can't form her name. She's just so amazing Lucy and saying it outlaid makes it real."

"I can't help you talk about it if you don't say it though," Lucy pulled once again, urging Lauren. 

She sighed, "Lucy you don't get it, and I don't think you'll judge me, like she's drop dead perfect, the most beautiful inside and out and-"

And that's how they got to Lucy screaming "CAMILA??!!" interrupting her and then the state they're in now. 

But Lucy does get it, that Lauren falls hard, so she shuts up and listens. 

Lauren tells her about the little things. About how Camila had mentioned her in stories where she was a pointless figure and who does that with anyone other than there crush? She tells Lucy about how Camila watched Taylor's whole finsta story, even if it was just Taylor and Lauren making dumb jokes back and forth. She tells her how Camila looks at her the same way Lauren looks at Camila and how Lauren's hopelessly crushing so that must mean something!

Lucy just listens, not wanting to crush Lauren's spirits but also not wanting her getting into something that's going nowhere. 

But Lauren does seem to have some good points, despite being so picky. 

Like how she thought she was gay even before liking her, so maybe she actually is and maybe it isn't an illusion. 

The most stand out is that Camila has never dated boys. Despite being dope and being popular and being so friendly, Camila has never dated a boy or showed the slightest bit of interest. 

"Lo, you do seem to have some... some of these are really like believable," Lucy says, after finally hearing the coffee and Mitchy story, "but it's Camila, so be careful, okay? She's younger so she could just like admire you, you know?"

"But hey, don't worry about her being younger. Y'all are close friends, it's never creepy to get feelings for your close friends. It's only two years difference, so you're fine there. I mean you and Taylor are so close, that's not weird event though you're older, and a ton of seniors date sophomores so you're not a creep," Lucy comforts her, knowing that was one of Lauren's worries. "But still, I'd be careful. Keep me updated, okay?"

Lauren's already being careful, but Camila's laugh makes all of her inhibitions disappear. 

She's always had bad luck with other people in romances and she's also always had Brendan hanging around. He's her friend, kind of a fuck buddy, more like someone she makes out with when they're both drunk, but she's never actually bothered ending this thing with him. 

So when she tells Lucy that she cut Brendan off for good, thats when it hits Lucy that her best friend is already in pretty deep. 

Lauren explains how she's so convinced Camila likes her back that she doesn't want to risk hurting the younger girl's heart at all, which is why she's done with side things and focused on seeing if this is a possibility or not. 

-

"Guess what I'm doing rn"  
-c

Her and Camila have never really texted, so when her phone lights up with the notification she's eager to respond despite being on the floor at work. 

You see, she's not going to admit that she's been waiting for Camila to snapchat her all day, but she's been waiting for Camila to snapchat her all day. She had work at 8 am. The night manager, Louie, was back from break so Lauren was back on mornings with Jasmyn while Camila kept the night shift. 

Lauren really didn't mind the lack of sleep, but she did miss seeing Camila's face walk around that corner. 

"What are you doing rn?" -L she shoots back, smiling like a dummy simply at the fact that Camila texted her at all. 

"Lying in bed lmao, sucks to be on day crew doesn't it? "  
-C

And Lauren knows it's teasing in reference to a joke she'd made yesterday about not getting any sleep, but the fact that Camila is tent her at all is still dominant in her mind. 

"damn okay, thx for rubbing it in"  
-L

And Lauren doesn't get distracted at work, which is why she's the best in the department, but right now? Right now she'd keep texting Camila even if it meant getting fired or some shit. 

"srry , but I wanted to ask u is louie back today? "  
-c

Lauren wouldn't think the question were suspicious if it weren't for the fact that they both already knew Louie was coming back tonight. So it's, it's a little bit of another signs and she tries not to think too much of it but isn't that like something she'd do? Make a dumb excuse to text Camila?

"yup, just saw her and legit gagged, she's such a bitch

and she's making me do an hours worth of work in the ten minutes I have left sooooo this sucks"  
-L

Lauren would stay for the next seven hours if it meant getting to work with Camila, but she isn't gonna admit to that.

"nooo, I can't believe I have to come in toniggt and spend six hours with her instead of u , I'm probably gonna die ."  
-c

Thats how Lauren ends up buying coffee for everyone, including fucking Louie, on night crew, not wanting to be too obvious but really wanting to do anything to cheer Camila up. 

(It's totally worth the money she's been trying to save. Camila sees her enter the back room and despite being on the phone with a customer opens her arms for a hug that makes Lauren hyper aware of the fact that she may end up buying the girl coffee every day for the rest of her life if it gets her this.)

-

"So..." Jasmyn starts, finally done with all the busy work that fills a manager's morning. "What's up with you and Cabello?"

Lauren nearly dies on the pile of air she chokes on. Partly because it's so unexpected, partly because Camila's here somewhere and she doesn't want her to overhear, and partly because she never even came out to Jasmyn, is she really that obvious?

"What? What do you, what, why would you-"

"Oh don't play dumb with me Lauren," Jasmyn scolds with a grin, playfully shoving Lauren's shoulder, "You two are basically attached at the hip since I had you cover last week. All you talk about is how 'sweet Camz is', and all she talks about is how 'I'm literally going to cry every day when Lauren goes to school,'" she continues, dramatically wiggling her eyebrows in a suggestive way, "you're totally into each other."

"Okay," Lauren starts, sucking in a breath and glancing at either entrance for any sign of the girl before continuing, "I really like her. Like more than I've liked anyone in a while and I don't know if she feels anything or if she's straight but I can't risk asking, that would be so awkward Jas, I'd legit die."

"Okay slow down Lo," Jasmyn interrupts at her worried expression. "Even if Camila wasn't totally eye fucking you every time she was back her, she's the sweetest person in the world - as you always say- so you'd have absolutely nothing to worry about," she calms Lauren down slightly but the younger girl is still thrown off. 

It's her last day working with Jasmyn, she only has a week left and this upcoming one Jas is going on a vacation, so she's not really surprised with her bosses lack of filter that this came up. She's glad though, the only person she's really talked to about this is Lucy ad she still feels awkward so she doesn't bring it up. She knows that Taylor can see right through her but she isn't ready to talk to her sister about it yet, so Jasmyn is a good lace to get some advice, any input will do. 

"I think she's totally into you too," Jasmyn says after a minute. "If that helps. I know I don't know her as well as you but the vibes you give off are just, damn the tension. She lights up just a s much as you do when she sees you." 

"I don't know... it's- I just can't tell if it's all in my head or if she does like me back," Lauren starts, breathing deeply after deciding she can trust Jasmyn. "besides how would I even go about that? we've been friends for so long, and she's not even out, she's not anything yet so how can I know I'm not ruining everything?" 

"You can't really know ever," Jasmyn agrees with a nod, "but hey, based on the way you look at her, I'd imagine it would be well worth the risk. And with the way she looks at you I'd also imagine that it would end better than you're probably picturing it too." 

Lauren knows she's right. She knows that having Camila as her own would make any stupid stressful part of this worth it. She knows getting to have that smile saved for her and to be with the younger girl in any way she wanted would be amazing. 

She also knows that having the younger girl in anyway that she can is preferred. So if for now she has to be friends, then for now she'll be friends.

"I don't know... I need to think it all over, give it a minute... but you're right," Lauren says, "I really really like her. Like more than I've liked someone for a while. I just need to wait it out for little bit."

Jasmyn nods in agreement, turning back to her desk before speaking again, "well, you only have like a week and a half left, so... I'd 'wait' as fast as you can, don't miss your shot at something real."

Lauren feels the pressure building and she still has no idea what to do with herself. 

-

The next night is a Wednesday, meaning Lauren is closing alone with Camila and Jessica, one of the other girls who doesn't work as much. 

Lauren and Camila spend most of the night talking, laughing, messing around while they do their work, and I becomes evident when Jess leaves break early with a huff that they're too caught up in each other to notice anyone else. 

It's like, they aren't really flirting, but they're all over each other and it's obnoxious. 

"She's pissy," Camila says once Jess leaves the backroom a little while later. Both girls are sat at the desk doing paper work for the boss for the rest of Camila's shift.

"Yeah, that's awkward I feel like she's actually mad at us," Lauren agrees. "What do you think is up? Is it cause we weren't really talking to her or something? She just wasn't inserting herself, not our fault." 

"Exactly!" Camila agrees, nudging Lauren's arm to grab her water. "It's like she's jealous of our relationship." 

It stops for a second. Camila blushing at the implications and Lauren biting back a grin at it. 

"I mean..." Camila goes to correct herself but then shrugs. "I don't know, she's annoying."

Lauren thinks this is a huge sign. When people say relationship they could mean literally anything, but someone only thinks about a relationship in a romantic way when they want to, meaning that must be lingering in the back of Camila's mind. 

They're not awkward at all though, remaining talkative for the rest of the night. Something else does happen though. 

It's almost eight, that's when Camila gets to leave. Lauren has to stay later but she's more dreading being without Camila than having to deal with work, that seems to be a pattern lately. 

"Your tattoo is so cute," Camila says, and her tone is dripping with sensuality as she lightly wraps her fingers around Lauren's wrist, tracing the letters of the name. "I can't wait for the others, maybe I could come for one of them," and like, Lauren's never really been able to tell when someones flirting but her tone is an unmistakeable one. 

"Yeah?" Lauren raises her eyebrows a little, turning to fully face Camila and finding the girl closer than she's expected. "You should, maybe we could go to that one you told me about, that your brother goes too?" 

"We could," Camila replies, and she's so close to Lauren, and her energy is overwhelming and Lauren's never been so worried that-

"Hey if you two are done making out I need help with waters, some old lady wants fucking twenty cases and I'm not doing this shit alone," Jess ruins the moment, not giving a fuck since she's obviously fed up already. "Jauregui you're in charge so you should have to do this one."

"No that's-"

"Its fine Camz," Lauren interrupts the younger girl, "you're leaving in like five minutes anyways, you should take off."

"I would if my ride was here to be honest," Camila rolls her eyes, "But I also like keeping you company so I can help with the waters if you want."

"No way, go punch-" she's interrupted by Camila's phone ringing and the younger girl holding up a finger. 

"Hey, Chris? Are you here?" 

Oh. 

Lauren suddenly feels very wrong. Her whole argument had been based off of Camila not liking boys so probably liking her. Her whole idea stemmed from Camila not dating anyone. Her whole everything depended on Camila liking her back and- no she can't just assume stuff. 

But Camila's eyes are lit up as she speaks to this Chris, Lauren knows Christian Knight from her gym, eyes meeting Lauren's and rolling them. 

"Yes I'll get you a sprite- Mountain Dew? Make up your mind Chris I gotta go," she says, and she's giggling. 

There's a moment. 

Camila is laughing into the phone and looking at Lauren with those eyes, but Lauren stops smiling back. She's asking her a question, its silent but Camila stops and seems to know what it is. 

They don't address it though, obviously. 

"Lo, I've gotta go," she says, pushing the phone away for a second. "I'll see you Friday?" 

And Lauren nods, then Camila is gone. She watches her until she turns the corner and her stare is broken by a cough. 

"Okay? Help now?" Jess says, pointing to the cases. "jeez you two are fuckin' annoying together, remind me to ask Jasmyn not to put me with you guys again." 

-

Things get more obvious after that. 

It's the next Friday and Lauren's been overthinking every snapchat and indirect on instagram for the day she hasn't seen Camila. 

She came into work at noon but Camila isn't coming until four so she has a little time to kill before she gets to see if any more will come tonight. 

She's alone for most of the day, and if there's one thing being alone in a grocery store does, it's drive you insane with overthinking and more overthinking. 

When Camila gets there Lauren has to try extra hard not to let her face brighten up so obviously but it's useless when she sees Camila's smile. 

"Hey Lo," Camila grins, and despite al the stress over this Lauren thinks her smile is the most beautiful thing in the world and she's honored to be falling for it. 

They spend the night doing their work and talking when they can. Filling the evening with stolen glances and lingering eye contact, it's not until they're almost leaving that the other shoe drops. 

"You know, Christian is just a friend," Camila's voice breaks the awkward silence and Lauren's heart drops to her stomach. She's glad Camila can't see her face right now because it's probably showing everything she's feeling. "he's funny and I care about him but... I kind of like someone else."

Lauren doesn't really know what to say. She always thought she would be the one pulling moves but this is downright outrageous that innocent Camila is the one with balls. 

"I-"

"I just figured I should let you know after the other night-"

"I blocked Brendan like, two weeks ago," Lauren interrupts, not really knowing why she says it but knowing it's the right thing to say when she turns around to finally meet Camila's eyes and the younger girl nods with a small smile on her face. She'd always known about Lauren's significant others and never said anything, but this makes Lauren thinks she's been waiting for that confirmation. 

"Good, I wouldn't want-"

"Guys !!! You'll never believe what just happened," and it's Dinah who breaks the moment, her volume cutting through the tension. 

Camila's still looking at Lauren and vice versa, before both girls send small smiles filled with everything unspoken word. They'll talk later. 

"What happened Cheech?" Camila asks, eyes lingering for a moment before that moment is gone. 

Lauren still doesn't remember what Dinah said.


	3. 3

I like it when songs are inconsistent with their pronouns/ person (1st or 2nd), it's like they were too consumed with the emotion to care about grammar laws -8/19/18 LJ

It's been four days and everything has changed. 

Lauren had developed her crush on Camila two weeks ago. Now, Lauren has one week before she moves an hour away for school. And she also has no clue what happened to what she thought was a budding, maybe kind of something with Camila.

You see, the first day that they didn't work together Camila snap chatted her eagerly and texted back faster than possible. Lauren made a point to stop by the store during Camila's shift, claiming she needed groceries when really she just needed to see the younger girls face light up. 

As usual, Camila had greeted Lauren with a hug at the surprise visit, holding onto her tightly and rambling on for twenty minutes before getting scolded by Louie for once again, not being very good at her job. (Lauren still talks her up to Jasmyn, but now there's less belief and more smirking - Jasmyn does like Camila more though, just not for the right reasons.)

Lauren knows it's stupid and too soon, and totally understands the whole 'uhaul lesbians' stereotype, but she can't help feeling strongly for Camila already. She supposes though that it has more to do with her past friendship with the girl than with her recent feelings. 

Like, it's one thing to start dating a stranger, Lauren would know. You know you should like them, but it sometimes takes a few to really feel butterflies in full. But catching feelings for somebody who's heart you already know like the back of your hand? That's doomed, absolutely doomed. 

So she reasons that it isn't that ridiculous to already feel strongly for the younger girl. She's always felt strongly, this is just a different type of feeling. 

The second day Camila spent half the day asleep and replied to her snapchats at half pace, which like is fine, it's whatever Lauren was busy too so it's not like she was really worried. 

The third day Camila snap chatted her like, once then let there streak die again. 

Lauren's convinced that if you like someone you'd do anything to talk to them , or to see them, or to even catch a glimpse of anything relating to them. 

So it kind of sucks. 

She'd dropped the topic around Lucy, not really wanting to hear the other girl say I told you so. She knows Lucy might not actually, but it's embarrassing and it always seems to happen. Getting your hopes up and thinking someone might like girls and then having to face the sad reality that like, everyone is straight. 

She works with Camila again on Saturday night, and it's currently Friday. 

"You know," Lucy starts, leaving back on the desk in the back room. She works there too, a lot of people in their school do, not as much as Lauren but she's there occasionally. "I think you might be right about Camila." 

And she says it with a smile and such honesty, not like she's sparing Laure's feelings, and it makes the green eyed girl's eyebrows perk. 

"Like, I know I said I didn't see it but I worked with her yesterday and she just... she kept like subtly mentioning you, but trying not to act like she was mentioning you, you know?" Lucy explains, holding Lauren's attention more and more, "And like I've been thinking maybe it's differently than you thought though."

"What do you mean?" Lauren speaks, not wanting to sound too eager since she's pretty certain the younger girl doesn't actually like her but way too eager because this is giving her hope. 

"So consider this," Lucy starts, "I don't think she's just caught feelings for you. Know how all those sophomores- well juniors now - know how they all like you and kind of always have?" she asks, continuing after Lauren nods, "What if it's like that? Like what if you've always been that upper class man she fancies, and that's why she isn't as focused on you? Because it's been such a long thing for her that she's gotten used to not picking up on any signs? Like she just assumes there won't be any?" 

And it like, it does kind of makes sense. 

Lauren still doesn't want to get her hopes up now that they've already begun to hurt her, but Camila had been giving such strong vibes and now isn't and what other explanation could there be? 

"Think about it Lauren, that would make so much sense," Lucy explains after she doesn't get a reaction from her friend. "Like she's always loved you and the way you've looked at each other hasn't changed. Like I know she hasn't seemed as into you these few days but maybe it's because she's used to having to like, I don't know, surprise her feelings? Am I making sense?" 

"Yeah, you definitely are," Lauren replies, eyes still confused though and eyebrows furrowed in focus. "I just... I don't know Luce, this week has been weird. Like not only getting this random crush and having it multiply in tenfold, but having to deal with the 'does she, doesn't she' thing just isn't fun, you know?" Lauren asks, running a hand through her hair and leaving back against the desk. 

In case it isn't obvious, Lauren spends the majority of her life in this grocery store. She isn't really complaining. She likes the money, and she doesn't have a lot of friends so working and working out is basically all she does. 

The downfall is that with all the alone time she has, she finds herself overthinking to an absurd, more than ever before, amount. This means starting at one point, going through twelve possible outcomes and coming full circle to having no idea what to think about anything. It's always been an issue with this job, but one so pressing? She can't remember a time, and that's saying something based on all of the shit she's been through this year.

"I just don't think you should lose hope, okay?" Lucy finally says, sending Lauren a soft smile. "You've seemed down today, and I'm not saying you're obvious or anything, I'm just super good at reading you," she smiles. 

"I'm gonna miss you next week, Luce," Lauren grins back, pulling her friend in for a hug. "Now get back to work," she laughs, "I'm the only one that does shit around here lately and it's gross." 

(She doesn't realize she might've just given another possible answer to her own question.)

-

"Lauren," Camila greets the next day, smile in place and two drinks in her hands. "For you," she says, extending one of the berry açaí drinks. 

"Oh my gosh, Camzz," Lauren all but coos, "thanks so much. You're a life saver."

"Well you have been here since eight," Camila shrugs as if it wasn't a big deal. "That's like six hours, with four to go. You need this, you would've done the same if I was ever crazy enough to agree to this long of a shift."

"I told you, Louie randomly took the week off," Lauren rolls her eyes but her smile shows through. "I swear that bitch is bout to get herself fired. Like who takes a week off then leaves for the next week." 

"I wouldn't mind life without her," Camila grins, grabbing a tablet to look at the orders, shocking Lauren with the initiative. "Jasmyn talked to me," she starts, explains the unasked (but kind of asked by Lauren's face) question, "said I had to get faster since we're losing you guys to college." 

"I didn't ask dear," Lauren jokes, "but besides, it's my second last day, I need some money so this ten hour is for real dope, like that's... a lot of money, I'm not doing math right now. I have been here for six hours, my brain shouldn't have to do math right now, that'd be mean."

"Yeah," Camila sighs, and the playful tone is kind of gone making Lauren turn her full attention to the younger girl curiously, "I'm really gonna miss you Lo."

Lauren's face breaks at her voice. She's been keeping a smile on, but she hasn't really though about having to say goodbye to certain people. Camila certainly wasn't one of them, instead looking forward to their last few shifts together. 

She doesn't know if she's going to be able to handle saying good bye to Camila, especially with the way her puppy dog eyes are looking into Lauren's right now, almost begging her not to actually go. 

Before she even had these feelings she had been sad to say goodbye to Camila. 

She'd been more focused on the major goodbyes, like Taylor and her mother, and Lucy, and her dogs. Camila had been a definite negative but it was never a major point until lately. 

Now she's kicking herself over and over for not fully realizing how great Camila was until right now.

"I'm gonna miss you too Camz," she replies after a moment, voice softer than before. "but hey, we'll FaceTime, and we'll see each other on weekends probably if you keep your word of visiting me," Lauren teases, moving closer to put a comforting hand on Camila's, trying to ignore the sparks shooting through her body at the touch. 

"Oh please, you'll be begging me to come up," and there's the smiley Camila Lauren wanted to get back. "You'll probably miss your dogs too much to stay away too."

"You're not wrong," Lauren grins. "but that proves my point, we'll be just fine."

Lauren really hopes they will be. She needs this to continue to grow, not to stop at a dead end when she makes the move. 

"Tuesday, what're you doing?" Camila asks after a second. 

"Umm, nothing as of right-"

"The zoo," Camila interrupts and Lauren's face breaks into a giant cheesy smile. 

They'd had plans to go to the zoo for months. Like maybe a year at this point. Camila's aunt had free passes and Lauren had a car and they both loved the zoo and they always want to go. They haven't really hangout outside of work but it would be totally normal and neither girl knows why they haven't done it sooner. 

Lauren remembers making the plans and she silently thanks her past self, as oblivious as that bitch was, for making them at all. The zoo is romantic, right? Like it can be? Like two friends don't always go to the zoo together, right? Maybe? 

"Okay yeah," Lauren agrees, "the zoo."

Nothing really happens that night. Its like old times and Lauren kind likes it. Times before she overanalyzed everything Camila did. They just enjoy themselves as friends, no tense moments, no pregnant glances. It does't mean it's over, but its nice to not have lingering thoughts, to be making a bigger deal than she should be. 

Lauren thinks it'll be better to just live in the moment and appreciate Camila while she still can. 

-

Lauren has been lonely for a while. 

It started with that Vanessa thing. Losing a best friend is hard, but losing a best friend and along with that the group of friends attached is really really shitty. And it was like, Lauren's had bad phases, but this one hit her hard. 

She's always prided herself as a good person, but having her best friend tell literally everyone who will listen that she isn't kind of made her doubt herself for a while. 

And it's weird, because she's always known one thing about herself to be true, that she's a good person. That she has empathy and that she's kind I nothing else. But with so may fucking people saying you're a cheating, lying, attention seeking bitch, it's hard to feel anything close to being a good person. 

(By a while, she means "I'll Be Good" by Jaymes Young, that song about hating who you are and that jazz, that's her most played song to this day.)

So that ruined her year from march on. 

Every day she would look at herself and wonder what she did to piss Vanessa off. what she could've possibly done to deserve having her reputation torn to shreds. 

Lucy convinces her that she did nothing, that Vanessa is just a. psycho, compulsive liar. Or like, she tries to convince her, but when everyone but one is against you, it's hard to not place the blame on yourself.

It wasn't entirely out of nowhere. It was over some girl, one of Lauren's exes that Vanessa wanted to get closer to. It'd been a while but the girl was still hung up on Lauren (she can't see why), so Vanessa told the lies to strengthen her chances. 

Lauren wouldn't cheat on somebody. Chris was cheated on last year and he locked himself in his room for three days and she would never do that to somebody. But it doesn't matter what she knows to be true about herself because once Vanessa, one of her 'best friends' spreads the word that she's always had hoe son the side, its hard for other people to not believe it. 

As if there isn't enough going on she loses another one. 

At the same time Vanessa is saying she's a bitch, Luis who's supposed to be her friend fuels the fire. 

They'd agreed to go to prom together as friends, but Luis was getting cold feet because he "wanted to get laid," and backed out on her. It didn't matter to Lauren, because she was a bad ass mother fucker and could rock prom alone, but when she hears people talking about how she "blew off Luis because she wanted to get laid," it doesn't take long for the rumors to grow and for the pieces to click. 

She doesn't confront him about it, mainly because she's already so lonely she's trying to cling to any last friendships, but he doesn't talk to her so much anymore.

Meanwhile, her other best friend, Anna, got a boyfriend in February and hasn't so much as texted Lauren to see what's up since then. They talk at lunch sometimes, but it kind of sucks to know that you're so easily forgettable. Like one of her best friends had no desire to stay in touch because someone more entertaining came around. That's just no very flattering. 

Brendan was always around. Whether it was to go get high and talk about Keana or to go fuck around until she couldn't feel her legs or focus on a single bad thought, he was there for a while and it was kind of nice.

But then she's see videos of him with Vanessa on his story, see him engaging with the people he knows ruined her life and she would be reminded that all people suck. 

Her self esteem is still on the ground after that phase with Keana. It's nice to have Brendan around because of that too. It's a little weird but turns out Brendan was sleeping with Keana while Lauren was sleeping with Keana. 

While Keana was sleeping with Lauren and saying that she was only sleeping with Lauren she was really sleeping with Brendan, and because of all of that Lauren found herself sleeping with Brendan again (it'd happened in the summer, but like just one time while they were drunk) a week after Camila told her a shitty pun in the back room about being in the closet. 

(She told herself that sleeping with Brendan was comforting because he knew exactly what she was going through, but now, lately, she's been wondering if just talking to Camila would've been more beneficial. [she knows it would've been]). 

But Keana lost interest in her so fast it was like whiplash, and Lauren's always been pretty confident in her looks but she's just felt so boring, like her personality is nothing but a stale piece of bread, and there's nothing that can convince her otherwise. 

(The way Camila's eyes light up whenever she talks, how she laughs at all her jokes, that's starting to make her feel worth something again.)

She's had Lucy when she isn't with Vero. Not that she's ditched Lauren for her girlfriend, she's just obviously around less. 

She's had Taylor when she isn't at volleyball camps and with all of her other friends. 

She's had like, Jasmyn, which is kind of sad, that she's listing her 27 year old boss as her third best friend, but it's gotten to that place. 

The point is that she's been so fucking lonely and she really doesn't have anybody. But for a second she had Camila. She had her full attention and she spends the hours after her shift planning a perfect day at the zoo to regain that attention. 

She likes Camila. Likes the way she cares, the way she half rolls her eyes because she can't fully do it. She likes the way her nose crinkles she she laughs and the way she twirls her hair on her finger while she's talking to Lauren in the most endearing of ways. 

She likes the way Camila cares and isn't afraid to show it, unlike so many people she's had to deal with. 

Lauren realizes something halfway through planning this though. 

She's been so lonely, so so lonely and finally she has a new person to care about, a new face to smile back at her and she really, really doesn't want to risk losing this. So maybe, maybe she should just appreciate the friendship while she's still here. 

Their last day working together is tomorrow, and Lauren just wants to let Camila know she appreciates her. She wants to reciprocate Camila's care even if it does remain platonic. 

Besides, she thinks that maybe she waited too long to catch feelings and that this whole thing was a horrible mistake, a blip that she can get over just as quickly as it started.

She doesn't want to mess up this friendship, and her feeling shave been such an emotional roller coaster lately that she thinks maybe it's better to just ignore them for a little while. 

-

"I'm fine," Camila says, facing away from Lauren and bringing a hand to rub at her eyes. 

"Camz-"

"No really, Lo," Camila starts, "just leave now, don't even acknowledge me because I don't need you too, it's fine."

"Camila," Lauren cuts her off, using her arm to spin the other girl around to face her. Lauren has to bite back a coo when Camila has teary eyes looking so adorable Lauren could cry too. " First of all, my shift legit just started and so did yours, we still have six hours to grocery shop together."

"Not long enough," Camila pouts before being glared back to quiet, attentiveness by Lauren. 

"Second, we're hanging out Tuesday. And if you're around maybe we can get coffee Wednesday or Thursday, one last hangout before I go?" she offers and like, she's been worried about being too eager for the past few weeks but Camila is her friend, someone she cares about, so fuck being too eager. She can never be eager enough to spend time with her. 

"That'd be nice," Camila agrees quietly rubbing below her eye and sniffling. 

"And you'll visit," Lauren continues, "and I'll visit and it will be okay, yeah? We'll be fine, we said we'll be fine," and like, Lauren told herself she wasn't going to cry but looking at Camila, seeing the younger girl grasping onto her every word is making her kind of want to cry. 

"We will," Camila finally agrees, unexpectedly grabbing Lauren's neck and pulling her into her tightest hug yet. "I'm just gonna miss you not being around, Lo." 

"I'm gonna miss you too, Camz." 

It's a good shift. Neither boss is here so they spend most of it just talking. Lauren kind of feels bad because she knows this will get Camila in possible trouble, but neither girl really cares in a way that'll make them stop. And besides, Lauren knows Jasmyn won't really care if Lauren takes the blame, says it was her last shift and give her a break, they were reminiscing. 

They take an extra long break together and get all the chicken nuggets they can eat, listening to old one direction in the break room and bonding over how much they loved and will always love everything about Glee. 

And it's sad, because every few minutes Camila will look at her in a way that makes her want to never leave. A way that makes her think she was so so right about hr feelings. 

It's this look that makes her think Camila is definitely her soulmate, she just doesn't know so herself yet. 

But she ignores it. She ignores it because she just needs to be in the moment with her. 

And the moment goes too fast. It's six hours, and normally the girls would love for their shift to go quick but when they're counting down the final hours, final minute of working together, the girls feel an ache, not wanting to leave. 

Lauren doesn't know if Jasmyn did this on purpose, having them close alone together, but she's torn between being grateful and cutting a bitch. 

"Well..." Camila starts, looking over to Lauren as she punches out for the last time in a while. "I guess this is it, huh?" 

Lauren looks at her with a smile so sweet Camila almost melts on the spot. 

"It's not," she replies, "I'm gonna see you Tuesday, remember?"

And like, Camila doesn't know what to say, and Lauren doesn't know what to say, but they have another two days to think about goodbyes for each other so nothing has to be said. 

There's a tension filled moment when each of them is debating the next move. Eyes locked, nobody else around, energy surrounding them in a way it has been for the past few weeks. 

Camila is the one to break it, as always Lauren having been too in her head to actually act, 

She wraps her arms as tight as they can go around Lauren's neck and she holds her longer and harder the she probably should. 

"I'll see you on Tuesday."


	4. 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did I proofread ? lol

she is like the sun ,  
super cool B). - 8/24/28 LJ

They don't end up going to the zoo.

It was an idea too good to be true and it could've maybe worked if Lauren was still working, but since Lauren isn't working anymore Jasmyn needs Camila to work Tuesday night and the zoo takes too long for them to fit it in.

Lauren kind of didn't expect them to actually go to the zoo, but it's still disappointing when they don't go to the zoo. 

You see, the zoo is a big plan, and although Lauren and Camila have always ben friends, she kind of (kind of, as in a really really little bit)didn't want to go because Lauren isn't always good with small talk and she doesn't know how hanging out with Camila for that long would go. 

She knows it's like, kind of an unreasonable thing to worry about, Lucy makes sure that she knows how unreasonable it is, but she can't help it. 

And like, it isn't even that she has a crush on Camila, she always worries about hanging out with a new person she can't help it. 

So they don't go to the zoo, and Lauren is a little bit relieved because that would be like, that'd be like four hours plus some. Instead they get coffee. 

Now, here's the thing about getting coffee. Lauren is 18, has her license. Camila is 16, doesn't have her license. 

Here's the other thing, Lauren failed her test twice, hasn't driven since, and hasn't been able to think about it without having anxiety. 

(She offers to pick Camila up in the morning without a second thought.)

She doesn't know how they end up deciding to get coffee half an hour away. They live in Miami, there's like, a hundred thousand different coffee places right there. Lauren just knows that when Camila had suggested a smaller, cuter, more chocolatey coffee place that's a little further out of town, she looked eager and beautiful and, Lauren doesn't know how to drive on the highway, but Camila helps her navigate through back roads to get there. 

That's when Lauren notices how safe Camila makes her feel. 

She's always been anxious in cars. Just like, they're so big, and like metal, and you never know who the other drivers out are, and she's always been hyper aware. but somehow, with Camila smiling and laughing and rambling next to her, she doesn't even notice she's driving. All she can think about is the girl in the passengers seat and she thinks if she was always driving with Camila she would be just fine. 

She has a playlist called "c", with Lorde and Rex and a million cheesy songs about how Camila makes her feel and she doesn't remember to worry about it until Camila is using her phone for aux and compliments the playlist. 

Lauren doesn't know if she knows, but she puts on Falling in love at a coffee shop and Lauren likes listening to this song with the girl who's the reason behind how often she listens to it. 

And it's like, Lauren had been worried that they wouldn't have anything to talk about, she wasn't sure how it would go, but Camila tells her everything from childhood stories to the current drama with her friend group, and Lauren smiles and comments and adds her own stories when necessary, but by the time she's dropping Camila home she's wishing they had time to go to the zoo for maybe a hundred years because she's certain she would never get rid of hearing Camila talk and laugh and talk some more. 

"Well..." Camila starts as they finally make it back to her house, an hour ish before Camila's shift, and Lauren wants to just sit in the car and be with Camila but she doesn't know how to ask without saying she's crazy about her so she doesn't say anything. "I guess this is it." 

And oh yeah, Lauren's leaving. She's moving two hours away and she's not going to see Camila every day at school anymore. She's not gonna find her in the backroom at work not doing her job anymore. Oh yeah. 

"I'm gonna miss you," Camila sighs when Lauren frowns, not liking how it looks on her friends face. And she wants to say more to get rid of the frown, but Lauren decides to hug her before anything else can be said. 

She just needs to hug her, hugging Camila is like, her favorite thing. 

And Lauren notices, as she always does, that the hug lingers longer than it should. She would blame it on herself maybe, but Camila's arms are so tight around her neck she's not sure she could pull back at an acceptable time if she tried. But whatever, they're alone, if they want to hug for an hour why not. (Lauren hops that's the case, but Camila's arms do eventually loosen when a car is coming up the street behind them and Lauren is blocking the entire road, oops). 

"I'll FaceTime you, and snap you, and text you," Camila says, "and I'll visit you too, we'll be fine." 

And if Lauren didn't know any better she'd think they were the best of friends being separated but like, they aren't really? Maybe? She's not sure. 

"I love you," Lauren says, realizing how quiet she's been trying to savor the last minutes with Camila she's going to get for a while. 

"I love you," Camila replies without hesitation as she leans in for a quick hug again. "Even more."

The second Camila's out of sight and in her house Lauren feels her anxiety spike at the three point turn she's going to have to do on the edge of a swamp (because eyes, Camila lives on the hardest to turn street in the world, that just like hadn't been an issue when she first picked her up because why would it be? Camila was with her.)

It only takes her like, five minutes to talk herself out of being in love (that's a strong word, so she doesn't want to use it but she does just for a second) with Camila. 

She thinks about how Camila hasn't even been to junior prom yet. She thinks about how all the stories involved her 50 plus some popular friends and about how Lauren has like, maybe two. She thinks about how they're not even that close and about how Lauren's moving two hours away.

She also thinks about how the girl she dated last summer still slut shames her for hooking up with a guy a whole month after because the girl is biphobic. (She thinks about how Camila knows she's been with a lot of people, so why would she be interested?) She thinks about how Keana was so sweet and made her feel like she was on top of the world and she thinks about how she got over Lauren with literally zero effort. (She thinks the only reason Camila likes her at all is because she isn't close enough to see how boring she is yet.)

So she gets over it, kind of at least, thinking instead about how nervous she is for school and not about how infatuated she is by Camila. (Because she's not anymore, she's over that). 

The rest of the week is stressful and busy and tiring and before she knows it it's the night before she's leaving and she's not sure if she's ready for this big of a change. 

She's gonna miss her mom. So so so much. And she sister, and like, sure she'll even miss Chris. Her dad is at work a lot but whenever she sees him it brightens her day and now she'll get to talk to him once a week? She doesn't know if she can do this. 

It's Lucy of course that helps her make sure she can. It's in the morning before she leaves, and she's locked herself in the bathroom. 

Nobody really knows she's upset because she's pretty good at masking it, but she's been staring in the mirror for ten minutes trying to talk herself down, fighting so hard against the tears threatening to spill that she feels like her throat is going to rip open and her eyes are going to explode.

She doesn't know how Lucy finds her, she didn't even know Lucy had come over to say good bye yet, but she's not really surprised when she does. 

"Open up bitch," and like, there's a pound on the door and she doorknob is jingling aggressively and it's enough to put a small smile on Lauren's face before she opens the door. 

"Aww honey," Lucy says as soon as she gets a look at Lauren tear stained cheeks and wide eyes. Lauren's always been the type to cry easily at movies and books and lighthearted things, but actually seeing the girl cry because of emotional pain isn't something that Lucy is used to so she throws her arms tightly around her best friend and hopes it's enough o do something. 

"You'll be okay Laur," she whispers by her ear, rubbing her back and kicking the door shut to give them a minute to breathe. 

It's harder than she thought it would've been. Saying goodbye to her siblings starts to hurt so she makes it quick, and she knows Taylor doesn't take the short hug personally by the understanding look in her eyes. Chris is a lot easier since the boy is asleep on the couch and lets out an easy "see you later Laur," as if she's just going to work, or out, or anywhere that isn't as permanent as this. (Later thinking about it she gets sad because maybe he didn't realize? Maybe half asleep he forgot how permanent this is.)

Kissing her dog goodbye hurts in a similar way, don't tell Taylor that, but it's her dog, c'mon it sucks. 

Lucy isn't crying and Lauren's really, really thankful that she has a best friend as strong as hers. 

"I'll visit you soon, don't miss me too much," is the last thing Lucy says before al but shoving her into the car, and then they're off. 

She hasn't been thinking about Camila, really, she's been too busy to worry about that. But when she drives by Camila's favorite coffee shop she can't not beg her mom to let her stop, claiming "she'll miss Miami coffee places too much," and "please mom it'll only take a second".

She didn't actually expect Camila to be in there but she is. 

(Lauren doesn't think it's possible to not have feelings of this girl, maybe).

She's at the counter, waiting for her drink when Lauren walks in, and she doesn't see her at first because she's watching (with adorable fascination that only Camila is capable of showing to such simple stuff) as they mix her latte. 

She's beautiful, hair in a very very messy bun, glasses strewn on, shorts and a baggy sweater hanging off one shoulder despite the hot weather. 

She's even more beautiful when she turns her head and catches Lauren looking at her and everything in her breaks into a smile. 

Lauren can imagine she looks like a little kid staring in wonder at a puppy.

"Lo," and she's turning, not waiting for her drink and throwing herself into Lauren's arms. 

They hug for what feels like an eternity and Lauren wishes she could stay until the season change, stay until Camila feels the same way, until someone has to physically remove them from each other. 

"I'm so glad you're here," Lauren hears herself say against the younger girl's hair, burrowing her face in closer. 

"Me too," Camila agrees, and Lauren almost faints at the way warm breath hits her neck. 

"Oh, hey Lauren," and it's Dinah, Camila's friend, Lauren's kind of friend, who breaks the moment, snapping the two out of their daze. 

"Hi Dinah," Lauren smiles, letting her arms (reluctantly) slip from around Camila's waist, loving the way Camila keeps one arm slung around her shoulders. 

"I thought you left this morning," Camila starts once the silence starts.

"That was the plan but you know my family, late for everything," Lauren laughs. "The only reason we said 6 am was so that we'd be out the door by 9, you need a few hours advanced."

And Camila laughs, loudly despite the joke not being too funny. Dinah kinda laughs too but mostly just shoots Camila a confused look. 

"They're actually um, my parents are waiting in the car so I should um," Lauren gestures and excuses herself to order a drink while Camila graciously grabs hers with a blush since she's realizing the barista just waited through their hug and the rest of it to give her the drink. "I wanted to grab one more CBC," Lauren explains referencing the coffee house's name. 

"I'm glad you did," Camila says again with a huge smile taking up her face. 

"Me too," Dinah butts in, "cause unlike Mila you never took me out for a special goodbye trip, I'm offended Ralph," she teases, using her stupid nickname that Lauren kind of loves. 

"Sorry girl," Lauren chuckles, not noticing the way Camila's face heats up at the mention of a 'special goodbye trip'. 

"Nah I'm messing' with you," Dinah grins, "but unfortunately my parents are also in the car and we all know my mom isn't putting up with this longer than five minutes shit," Dinah jokes but like she's very much serious. 

"Oh yeah, yeah you guys should go then," Lauren agrees, letting Dinah pull her into a hug. 

"Um," Camila starts once Dinah is out of the way, and she quickly looks around before pulling Lauren into a hug just as tight as the first one.

It's like, literally. minute before Dinah clears her throat, and Lauren catches a smirk in place before Camila finally unlatches. 

"I'll call you sometime this week?" Camila offers, grabbing Lauren's hand and giving it a small squeeze before letting go and going to follow Dinah. 

"Yeah, yeah definitely," Lauren smiles, "I'll send you pictures of my room," she says and she gets one last look at Camila's smile before the girls are gone. 

And her face deflates once they are, because she had been doing a pretty good job of not thinking about-

"Hey Lo," and her head snaps up from where it had fallen at the sound of Camila's voice to see her head peeking into the shop. At her questioning look Camila just smiles goofily and says, "I love you."

And Lauren thinks maybe it's impossible for someone to not have feelings fo this girl. 

"I love you more." 

And she's gone again, taking Lauren's heart with her right out the door. 

Lauren thinks she's okay with it.


	5. 5

I don't understand how someone can smile at me like that and not be in love. Maybe she is love. -9/21/18 Lj

Lauren deleted her playlist for Camila, the one called "c", but she's glad in the moment that somehow all of her playlist are a little bit about Camila because she doesn't have to waste time finding songs for what she's feeling as she leaves the coffee shop and puts on one she made two nights ago "soft 4 u".

She's a sucker for some good old Ed Sheeran and Justin Bieber (so is Camila, she thinks maybe that's why), but she keeps Crazier, that Taylor Swift song from the Hannah Montana movie that every glazes over, she keeps it on loop for a good portion of the ride because she thinks it's a good song to describe how Camila makes her feel. 

She listens to her happy, soft music about being in love - that's a strong word, being in like*, and she tries not to let herself be sad about anything. 

And she isn't. It works, because it's Camila that's on her mind, and like she's said before, Camila is the key to kicking her stress to the curb. 

Thinking about Camila is enough to almost make her forget how hard what she's doing is about to be. 

She doesn't let herself cry until her parents are gone. 

Her roommate, Ally, gets there in the middle of her trying to pull herself together, and despite the fact that they've literally never met before and are only together because they went random and got paired, Ally pulls her into the tightest hug she's had in a while (other than Camila's, obviously) and Lauren thinks everything is going to be okay. 

Turns out everything is okay. Lauren really likes college. The independence, the free time, the campus she's on. It's all new and nice and she thinks she's going to adjust very well. 

And she doesn't get as homesick as she thought she would. She talks to her mom and her sister on the phone every day for the first week so she misses them but it could be worse, and Chris sends her snapchats of her dogs and she cries a little at that but she can pet them in a few weeks when she goes home for the first time. 

She hasn't talked to Camila other than snapchats its bright smiles, but she thinks about the younger girl a lot, wonders how she's doing. She's on the back burner of her mind at all time.

Lauren's always had a tough time making friends, but she kind of clings to Ally and Ally clings right back, she makes one other friend, her friend from home's mutual friend Julia, who's sweet and in a few courses with her. 

But that's it. 

So, for the first week, when they have no classes and too much time to settle in, Lauren isa little bit bored.

But there's new development on the first Monday of classes. 

She thinks she finds her soulmate. 

Sure, Camila is still in the back of her mind all the time, but she doesn't know how right she is about the feeling she has and she thinks maybe in the meantime she can busy herself with some other people. 

It's not like, anything big to be honest. It's just, she sees this girl right? And sure, Lauren is super gay so she always gets blown away by how pretty they are but this girl is just wow. She's short, but she has legs to die for, and she has long brown hair and perfect lips and Lauren tries not to think about how she just described Camila. 

There's also the sad fact that it's super easy for Lauren to detach, and the fact that they haven't really talked like they said they would, and the fact that there's so many new people, that allows Lauren to not be as tied up with being in like with her as she was when she was at home. 

Julia, her new friend is in that class too, and she thinks it's absolutely a sign when Julia goes up to the girl after class and greets her with hug inviting her to get lunch with the small group they've formed. 

Lauren learns her name is Katie and that it's easy to fall into her dark brown eyes. (Not as easy as it is with Camila, but she only thinks that for a moment). 

She hangs out with that group a lot, like a lot a lot, and even though she doesn't talk as much as some of them she finds herself getting along pretty well with most of them. 

They all have a few courses together and they make a habit to get breakfast together and eventually it's the first official weekend so they decide to go out. 

Lauren's never been one to party, she doesn't like the taste of alcohol, she smokes sometimes but doesn't have any weed. But she still says yes to going out because Katie asks her and she's noticed Katie looking at her the same way she looks at Katie. 

And like, not to toot her own horn but the other day, Katie was in the middle of a story and when she caught Lauren's eyes across the table she started stuttering and literally lost track of what she's saying, so Lauren is pretty sure she's interested. 

The night goes how she expected it too. Kind of. 

It's a gross frat party and people are drunk and high off of something too strong for Lauren's liking, and the room is dark and there are bodies clumped everywhere and Katie's mouth taste like the vodka she's snuck across campus by tucking it into Lauren's waistband under her coat. 

She doesn't kiss her in public, Lauren figured she wouldn't, she doesn't seem too out. but she does drag Lauren to the bathroom and press her against the door in a way that sends shivers down Lauren's spine. 

It's hot and quick and messy and Lauren's got her hands knotted in Katie's hair while the other girl pushes her tongue past lauren's parted lips and claws her shirt up and

Someone knocks on the door, loudly, like maybe they've been in there for a long time and maybe they're not being subtle and, Lauren's the one to break, smiling and Katie and how messy her hair is and how pretty she is and pecks her mouth softly before grabbing her hand, spinning around, and not thinking about Camila. 

She doesn't think about Camila until later on, when Camila finally FaceTimes her like she promised she would. 

"Lauren!" she says, squeals more, and Lauren can tell where she is from the rocks behind her and the voices surrounding her. 

"Are you drunk Camz," she laughs, but then taking a closer look, "Are you crying? Camz what's wrong?"

"Oh, ahahah, nothing I just," she starts, breathing in and quickly bringing a water bottle that definitely doesn't have water in it to her lips, "Just like um... Dinah like mentioned you and I started crying, just cause, you know, I miss you a lot." 

"Aww," Lauren coos, and she'd been lying in bed, after they got back, dreaming about a relationship with Katie, but now she couldn't even tell you the girl's name if she tried. "Camz I'll be back before you know it." 

And they don't talk for long, because Camila is out with bunch of people, and Lauren would normally worry about the younger girl being out so late but she's too busy thinking about how Camila cried because of how much she misses Lauren. 

She hates whenever she gets hope again. 

It's been two weeks, meaning she has two more weeks at school before she got home. Not that she doesn't like it at school, but home is home and her dogs are there, and her mom and sister are, and Lucy usually is, and Camila is there. 

Now that she's seen Camila, she can't get the girl off of her mind again. 

And now they actually follow through on keeping in touch. Lauren feels kind of dumb, because everybody knows when you have a crush on your friend, you're supposed to distance yourself, not let yourself grow closer. But she can't help it, everything about Camila is all consuming. 

They talk about everything. Or like, a lot of things, Lauren doesn't tell her about anyone she's talking to, and Camila doesn't mention talking to anybody which Lauren thinks is a really good sign. 

She learns a lot about the younger girls passions though, about how she does music but ultimately she wants to work with deaf children, or children with hearing or speech impediments at least. She doesn't know where Camila got the idea but she knows that Camila is so passionate she's had like, three hour long rants about how overlooked the issue is and how there aren't enough programs within public school. 

She's also incredibly good at hopping from topic to topic when she's passionate, blowing Lauren's mind by going from feminists rants, to her thoughts on immigration problems, to the Black Lives Matter movement, and back around to everything Lauren spends her free time being furious about that's wrong with this country. 

Her passion is dangerous though, which is why Lauren finds herself hanging around with Katie when she's not FaceTiming Camila. 

Things with Katie kind of like, they happen. 

Lauren's always thought it's totally possible to have feelings for more than one person at a time, as long as it doesn't involve actually cheating on anyone. 

Katie doesn't seem to want a relationship, Lauren figures this out when she finds out Katie's also flirting with this guy Ryan in a few of their classes. And she's honestly kind of glad, because Ryan is super nice, and she still get's to kiss Katie and cuddle with Katie and watch movies with Katie and play with her hands, but she doesn't have to feel bad about how sometimes she thinks about how Camila's hands are smaller, or how they're more calloused from playing guitar. And she doesn't have to feel bad about cancelling plans with Katie when Camila wants to FaceTime. 

Lauren's okay with casual things. they help take her mind off of the not casual things (like being in love- like*, with her possibly straight best friend). 

So when Casey, some boy with her school name and graduating year in his bio, slides into her instagram dms, she doesn't do anything to stop the flirting. She even hangs around with him a few times. 

She doesn't hookup with him, and she only kisses him a few times, not letting him touch her in the ways Katie's curious hands are starting too. 

She spends the few weeks focusing on school and distracting herself with some flings, she feels kind of like... well she doesn't feel any way, she's allowed to do what she wants (the things people said about her last year linger in the back of her mind, but she tries to push them behind thoughts of Camila and how she's going to see the younger girl any day now).

She doesn't know why she needs the distractions, but she thinks it's because she's starting accidentally thinking about how she's 'in love' with Camila and not 'in like' with her. For whatever reason. 

Before she knows it, she's on the train and heading home. 

"Lauren!" Lucy shouts from her perch on the Jauregui front steps.

"Luce!" Lauren screams back, dropping her bags on the front lawn and running to embrace her best friend. 

She's missed her, she's missed her so much and she has so much to catch up with her about and she didn't know how badly she needed to hug her best friend until this moment.

She's crying, cause she's a huge sap, by the time she lets go of Lucy. And they chat about the trip while Lucy helps her carry her stuff up the path to her backdoor, going in and getting the best dog greeting she's ever had in her life. 

Next is her mom, giving her a tight hug and trying not to cry herself, then her dad who has succumb to the tears and is lifting her off the ground temporarily. 

Taylor comes in, grinning like a cheshire cat and jumping onto her older sister in a hug. 

"Lo! I missed you," she says, "how's school? How're your classes? how're the boys? oh and like the girls?" 

And she's going off, but another figure appears in the doorway to the kitchen and Lauren's face breaks into the biggest smile she's had all day, even bigger than the one when her dogs jumped on her. 

"Camz?" and she would feel bad, cutting off her sister's questions, but Camila is staring up and Taylor's smiling and has already let go and

"Oh yeah, I forgot for a second but I brought you a surprise-"

And Taylor's explanation could've went on but Camila is running at her and her legs jump up to wrap around her waist and lauren's grabbing her legs to hold her in place with one hand and wrapping the other as tightly around her back as she can while Camila buries her face into Lauren's neck. 

She doesn't care about everybody looking at them, she doesn't care that Lucy and Taylor smirk at each other and will without a doubt tease her for the whole weekend about it. 

It's a nice reunion, and she takes about an hour sitting with all of them and talking about college before her parents have to head out for Chris's volleyball game, she figures she'll see them three later one. 

Taylor, Lucy, Camila, and Lauren decide to go get coffee, cause what else would they do, and spend another hour ish catching up before Camila has to go home. 

So now she's just with Lucy and Taylor, and she knows she's a sucker watching Camila walk to her doorstep but neither of them comment on it so she's fine to ignore it too. 

They go to another coffee place, cause that's how things work for them, and sit for longer to talk about the other stuff they know Lauren didn't mention because they know there has to be other stuff. 

And she tells them about Katie, and how she could've really liked her on a different timeline (it's unspoken that she means one where Camila doesn't exist and hold onto every fiber of Lauren's heart), and she also tells them about Ryan, and about Casey, and she somehow finds a way to mention Camila despite the younger girl not being at school with her. 

Lucy and Taylor listen, and send her looks letting Lauren know they understand how deep she is and wish they could somehow help her get out. 

(They all know it's too late to get out. Lauren hates it that she doesn't really mind that fact.)

She doesn't see Camila again until the next morning when they get coffee before the younger girl's shift, just like the week before Lauren left for school, and they talk about anything and everything. 

Camila tells her funny stories about her friends being drunk and stupid, and Lauren tells her about her classes and her new friends. 

She doesn't mention that she's casually seeing anybody. Its not that she wants to like, lie to Camila, but on the off chance that Camila does reciprocate feelings, Lauren wouldn't want to hurt the younger girl by making her think she has her eye on anybody other than her. 

(She really doesn't, they're all just distractions.)

By this time the next night, Lauren's had a change of heart. She doesn't know what it is, but simply being near Camila agin is sending her down and down and down into the depths of feelings for the younger girl. It's like every time she looks at her she gets a shock to her system telling her to wait for her wait for her wait for her. 

Lauren has decided she doesn't need Katie to pay any attention o her anymore. She's decided that kid Casey can continue being left on read until he gives up, she decides anybody who has potential to mean anything can suck her dick because Camila Cabello has her whole heart and probably will until the day she dies. 

She knows it might take a while, and she knows right now she seems hopeless, but the smile on her face when Camila says literally anything to her feels better than anyone else has ever made her feel. 

Lauren loves being in love, and she's decided to not be upset over the fact that they're not dating, she's just happy she gets someone like Camila in her life at all. 

It all gets to a tipping point later that night when she's catching up with Lucy. 

They've been hanging out for a few hours, so they're at that point where they're watching a movie on their phones and Camila snapchats Lauren. 

It's a video of her playing guitar, and smiling, a smile that Lauren imagines she must reflect a lot when she's looking at Camila, and Lauren didn't know Camila played guitar. 

She says so, and they start talking. 

And like, her and Camila talk a lot, especially over things like this which Lauren thinks is cute, but this time it's different. The replies are immediately, like every fifteen seconds, and Camila is so pretty, and Lauren can't help herself and eventually it feels kind of like they're not just being friendly friends. 

She thinks they're flirting. This is flirting right? Like she's pretty good at flirting, Lauren flirts with a lot of people (not on purpose, she isn't, it's not like in a promiscuous way, not that there's anything wrong with that. Lauren isn't- she's not..) so she has to be good at flirting, and she's pretty sure this is flirting. 

"I could teach you a little something, I know you're good with your hands so you'd probably pick it up easily ;)"

And Lauren laughs at the joke and at Camila's goofy grin when she reads the snap. 

(She wonders later if Camila made the joke because she thinks Lauren has too much sex and she wonders if Camila has heard all of those rumors that aren't true and she wants to ask her but she doesn't want to bring up sex with Camila because she doesn't want to prove the point that all she thinks about is sex, it's not). 

"maybe I could teach you something in exchange, I'd feel bad getting classes without somehow paying you back"

She sends it before she really remembers that it's Camila she's flirting with (and no, she doesn't flirt with that many people), and the second the screen goes back to the snapchat home screen she panics. 

Like, she panics, really really panics because that wasn't even like jokingly flirting, Lauren basically just offered her services in return for guitar lessons. 

(And Lauren really hopes Camila hasn't heard that rumor. That rumor hurt more than she can bring herself to admit. She isn't even sure if Lucy heard that rumor because she couldn't bring herself to speak it out loud once she'd heard it from her friend in psychology. [she thinks Lucy did, because she bought her a coffee the next week every morning and then took her to get lunch too]).

"I guess I'll hold you to that" is Camila's reply. Lauren's face is read and her pulse has speeded up and is Camila really fully flirting back without any care for what it means? Is it possible for her to see Lauren as 

(Lauren tries not to think that maybe she has heard that rumor and maybe she's just curious like all those other girls supposedly were).

(There was only one girl, Keana, and Lauren thinks, after months of getting over it, she thinks she was in love with her and it's not fair that she gets slut shamed for having sex with a girl when she was in love with her). 

And Camila sent her another snapchat, so Lauren's mind doesn't linger on any worries, but it does panic to think of a response for the previous one. 

"My mom is letting me go out with a boy even though it's 11 omg:)))))"

oh

Oh. 

"Oh," and it's all she can think for a minute. Her face dropping and any hope she had shattering into a million pieces and, "oh."

"Oh what, Lauren?" Lucy speaks up, finally not distracted on her own phone. 

And she doesn't even pay any attention to what Lucy is saying because Camila's snap chat hasn't cleared yet and she's just staring at it and how happy Camila looks and how she is that happy because she's excited to be hanging out with a boy this late and it's this late and she doesn't know what they're doing and-

"Lo!" Lucy asks again, more loudly and Lauren gets snapped out of whatever daze she was n and-

"Oh," she says, shrugging and locking her phone, "it's nothing."


	6. 6

im glad I do not know what she smells like, and that I haven't yet asked her what her favorite color is, and that I don't know every single thing about her. I can barely handle myself with the preview of her ive gotten so far - 11/13/18 lj

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck." 

"That good, baby? Fuck, you feel so good." 

"Harder."

Lauren doesn't - she didn't want it to come to this. She hates when it comes to this. (It always doesn't come to this, unlike what what some people say about her suggests, but right now it had to come to this). 

"Can we change positions?" 

"No, keep going."

And this was supposed to be quick, she has stuff to do, but this guy, she kinda forgets his name, is taking forever, holding off and trying to make it more than a quick fuck.

And Lauren is tired, she's tired of guys that do this and she's tired of everyone trying to make things deep and everyone talking about feelings and everyone fucking getting into relationships and-

"Ow fuck! Baby your nails feel so good."

And it's over, quick enough, and she thinks she might've moaned Camila's name, but if she did he didn't comment on it. 

She grabs her clothes, complimenting him on his skills so he'll be too cocky to notice her not leaving any way to contact her. 

The walk back to her dorm is cold, it's not too bad, but it's enough to make her wish she wasn't in those thin leggings that she wore to make her ass pop. 

She calls Lucy. 

"What's up Lo," and Lucy's voice is warm and loving as it always is, and Lauren called her because she doesn't like having more than a second to herself anymore because then she thinks about things she doesn't necessary enjoy thinking about. 

She tells her about how earlier that day her psych professor made a really funny joke, and how one of her friends spilled a giant cup of chocolate milk all over herself at lunch, and how she just hooked up with some guy that had a really nice body (he did, she thinks she remembers that much, her mind was a little elsewhere but... maybe a nice body?).

She pretends not to hear the concern in Lucy's voice echoed back to her but it's hard to ignore so she ends the call, making some excuse about needing to go to the library. 

So, she calls her next choice to distract her mind from wandering. 

"Lo!" Camila's answers on the first ring, and Lauren feels her heart rate slow down, her blood pressure drop, her skin clears up and suddenly she's hydrated. Camila's voice fills her head and suddenly everything is right and good. "I miss you! What's up babe?"

She's been talking to Camila a lot. Like a lot, a lot. 

Like she's probably her best friend right now, and Camila has said the same to her. 

It's nice, because Camila is amazing and she loves getting to have her in her life, but every second she spends not talking to Camila, or you know, swooning over Camila, is a second spent pining after Camila. And that really sucks. 

So for the rest of the semester it stays like tonight. Lauren will hookup with someone new, someone random, ditch them, study her ass off, workout, call someone, talk to Camila. Anything to keep her mind from sitting still for too long. 

She tries to see if Katie can be the distraction she needs, but the other girl is looking for something more serious, and Lauren feels too guilty to give her that after thinking about Camila the first time Katie tries to move things past second base. 

She works hard to keep her mind forgetting too hung up on it, and listens to a lot of sad music on loop, and before she knows it she's back home again. This time it's for thanksgiving.

"What do you mean you're not going to the turkey game?" Camila whines on the other end of the phone while Lauren finishes some questions for anatomy homework. 

"Just... I don't really want to have to see everybody, you know," Lauren explains, putting her pen down and running a hand through her messy hair. "I haven't seen any of those people, like Vanessa and that group, I haven't seen them since graduation and I really don't want to have to see them again." 

"Oh," Camila sighs, completely understanding but still disappointing. "I get if you're uncomfortable seeing them, but hey, this game is really fun, are you sure you won't regret not going? I mean hey, you've glowed up, in all ways you're doing amazing and they're still gross. not to mention you've got a really cool new best friend who would make sure Tod half your hand through it," Camila is smiling so easily that Lauren thinks she might cry. 

"Okay," she agrees, and it's so easy to agree with Camila looking at her like that and she's not even doing it in person. Pathetic. 

"Yay! I'm so excited now we can cuddle since it'll be like negative 600 degrees," Camila claps to herself and Lauren can not hold back a smile at that. 

"It's only gonna be like 20 Camz," Lauren says still smiling and grabbing a coat. "But I guess it doesn't matter, I'd cuddle with you even if it wasn't cold." 

"Aww my baby knows how to treat me right," Camila coos jokingly, but like, she's blushing, but like, it's whatever. 

"Is Shawn at your house yet?" Camila asks, perking up when Lauren makes to move from her room. 

"I don't think so, but I wanna go down to find my gloves, I swear they were in here earlier but-"

"I can bring some for you if you don't have any, you'll need them," Camila offers, getting out of bed herself and Lauren laughs at the fact that Shawn is on his way to get them and she's yet to move a muscle. 

"I'll let you know, thanks Camz," Lauren smiles, thinking it might be cute to use her gloves. 

They're going ice skating, Shawn, Camila, and Lauren. 

Shawn is one of their co workers. He's always been around but apparently now Camila is friends with him and Lauren was annoyed a first (jealous), but once she got to talking with him he's actually pretty great, so Lauren and Camila and Shawn decided to hangout more and Camila decided she needed Lauren to teach her how to ice skate. 

"He's here now," Lauren says, "I'm giving up on the gloves Camz so grab me some okay?"

"You got it dude," she references adorably and Lauren would swoon if she wasn't so cold. 

"Hey Lo," Shawn greets as she gets to the door and hops in his jeep. 

"Hey Shawn," Camila shouts from the phone before Lauren can say anything, she just smiles though then repeats what her girl said. 

"Is that... you're FaceTiming each other... despite, you know... having plans.... right now?" Shawn asks with a dumbfounded look and Lauren laughs using that as her question to hang up, cause Camila to pout hard enough that she almost changes her mind, but they're literally like five minutes from her house so Lauren figures she'll survive. 

"Oof," Shawn starts as she hangs up. "You're in deep dude," he says with a face and Lauren feels her stomach drop.

"What do you mean," she says, playing dumb but glaring at him as kindly as possible. Shawn is closer with Camila. He can't know. 

"I'm team gay man, I'm not gonna say shit, but just like, be careful is all," he says, putting hand up defensively as he drives. "Now tell me where your girl lives cause I haven't been in this area of the city yet."

Camila's house always has a different flag out when Lauren picks her up for something. Never the American one, which makes Lauren laugh, always some random ass holiday that Camila says her mom finds interesting. It's cute, and Lauren takes note every time because she wants to take in everything she can concerning the younger girl. 

When she opens the front door, making them wait for five minutes which Lauren knows is because she wasn't ready at all, Lauren swears she's the most beautiful person in the world. 

"Camz, c'mon just focus on moving your feet, one foot at a time," Lauren smiles, squeezing the younger girl's hand in encouragement and trying not to literally awe out loud at the pouty look of concentration on Camila's face. 

"Camz, don't lift your foot, just drag it forward, like kinda make a mini 'C'- yeah that's it," Lauren instructs as the younger girl follows what she's saying, hesitantly but without much though, squeezing Lauren's hand back. 

That was why they'd come here. For Laure to teach Camila how to skate. Shawn doesn't seem offended honestly, just shoots them a knowing look and Lauren a wink before taking off to see if he knows anybody, or can get to know anybody ;). 

Camila insists on Lauren tying her skates, then insists on Lauren wearing her gloves, then adorably pulls Lauren's hat over her ears because, "Lo it doesn't work if you wear it that high, it's not just an accessory when you're in a rink," and Lauren would argue but Camila grabs her face with both hands to jokingly scold her and Lauren can't remember how to form words. 

They skate like that for a while. Camila grabbing onto Lauren with one hand and grabbing onto the side of the rink with the other. 

Lauren loses track of time talking to Camila as she always does and it's not long before they've done plenty of laps and she thinks maybe she can show off and help some more. 

"Here," Lauren says once they pass the main door again. "grab both my hands like this," she continues, spinning backwards so she's facing Camila. 

"Jesus Lo what type of carnival trick," Camila begins but does as she's told.

"Camz I skated for years it really isn't that complicated," she shrugs it off, glad to be impressing her crush. 

"It's kinda hot you know," Camila starts suddenly a few minutes later, bring Lauren's attention up to her face. "How good you are at this, I mean. Do the girls usually dig this sporty thing you have going?" 

And Lauren is pretty sure she's flirting. 

"Ahah, umm..." Lauren tries not to think she's flirting. The last time she thought she was flirting she found out about Austin and she doesn't want anything like that to ever happen again. "I guess," she shrugs, "I mean my ex said it was attractive and all but she never ended up coming to any of my games," Lauren shrugs again, face falling remembering when Keana told her she'd be there and then wasn't. 

She didn't go to her hockey game but she did invite her over after and she took her virginity, like her girl virginity, and Lauren kind of wishes, looking back just right now, she kind of wishes she'd asked Keana more persistently why she didn't go instead of succumbing to her kiss. 

Camila seems to sense the change of tone because she holds tighter to Lauren's hands and speaks again. 

"Fuck her Lauren," and she's not usually blunt, but she is for Lauren. "Figuratively," she adds with a dumb grin that Lauren can't help but match. "Hey I remember I went to a few of them. remember when people were chanting to put Kelsey in? That was me. I started that." 

And Lauren does remember that. It was funny. Kelsey was a new player and she sucked ass, but she was funny and she knew she sucked and called herself Mrs. Bench-warmer. That didn't stop the crowd at one of their bigger games from chanting for her to be put in net thought and Lauren can't hold in a loud laugh when she hears that Camila was behind it. 

Camila looks smug with herself and Lauren isn't thinking about Keana at all anymore. 

"Guys, my feet hurt," Shawn comes over breaking their moment. 

"That's what you get for just 'rolling' with the fact that they gave you the wrong size," Lauren role her eyes and Camila squeezes her hand, this time for no reason other than to do it. 

"Aww, Shawny boy are you saying you want to leave already? It's only been like... damn," Camila laughs, checking her phone. "Okay yeah maybe we can go, it's bene like an hour. They're closing to do the ice soon," she adds, and wow Lauren could really talk to Camila for years without needing a water break (she tries not to think about how clearly Camila could reciprocate conversation just as easily).

She thinks she falls more in one day for Camila than she thought possible that day.

She continues at that rate too. It's all down hill from there. 

 

 

 

She only has three weeks left at school when she goes back, and yeah, saying goodbye to Camila, who cries (of course, she always cries) is difficult to do, but she knows that she'll be busy enough to power through and that Camila will hug her twice as long and twice as hard after three weeks pass without getting to hold onto her. 

And it's a hard three weeks. She doesn't hook up with anybody, too busy thinking about how good Camila's hand feels in her own. She studies, and she goes to the gym, and she hangs out with some friends, but mostly she thinks about the younger girl. Or like, she tries not to think about her. 

She gets back on the 16th, not telling anybody except Lucy and deciding it was the best idea she's had when she gets to see Camila's reaction. 

Okay sure, her mom's reaction is the best. And her sister cries, which like, it's impossible to get Taylor to do anything other than bitch about stuff, so she thinks it's an incredible feat. But Camila is the girl she's falling in love with, so excuse her if she likes her reaction the best. 

The younger girl is at work. 

Lauren knows that because she knows Camila's work schedule. (Camila knows her's too). 

Lauren doesn't say anything, just goes to her grocery store and looks around until she sees the familiar brown hair down an aisle. 

Camila is struggling to reach a box of cereal on the top shelf and Lauren's couldn't be more in love. 

Lauren can finally admit that she's in love with her. 

And when's he gets a little bit closer and hears Camila whining to herself in frustration, Lauren almost laughs because how could she have ever convinced herself not to be in love with her? 

"Do you need any help with that?" she asks once she's close enough, and Camila spins around, face lighting up and arms flying around Lauren's shoulders. 

She hugs her so long that Lauren has to drop her feet back to the ground (Camila naturally hopped up on Lauren's was it right away and Lauren naturally let her do whatever she pleased) because she can't hold her up for that long. She hugs her so long that Camila gets a page from the backroom rom their manager, probably wondering why its taking her so long to get cereal. 

"I missed you so much."

And Camila still doesn't let go for another minute. And then Lauren gets her cereal for her.

Things take off from there. 

It's good to be back, and it's even better how much time Camila decides they're going to spend together. 

They go to get ice cream with cookies again the first week, then they go to get Chic-fil-A the next week.

The next week their new group can't hangout, but Camila gets upset when Lauren points out the fact that they probably won't see each other for a week and decides to go home with Lauren after work and make her bring her to Chipotle. (Usually Lauren would've been annoyed, she liked to watch Netflix after working all day. But it's Camila.)

So it's like, a thing now. They hangout a lot. 

For Lauren, it's an excuse to hangout with Camila. One time Camila says she might not be able to go and Lauren says she's not going either. (Then Camila says 'nvm I can :)' and Lauren says 'lol same').

Lauren thinks Camila uses it as an excuse to see Lauren too. She tries not to tell herself that at first, because she's trying not to convince herself that her feelings could be reciprocated. But Camila always calls dibs on sitting net to Lauren. And Camila always sits in the middle seat instead of on the side so she can press into Lauren's side in a half hug half cuddle. 

And whenever Lauren is doing anything other than reciprocating Camila's attention, the younger girl throws a mock hissy fit (Lauren isn't so sure that they're joking though, like it's any time Lauren dares to look at her phone). 

Every Friday over break they go out together. At first it's always just Lauren, Shawn, and Camila, sometimes Niall too, and at first they always just go get ice cream and talk. 

Then they start doing other things. They start going to get food instead, sitting at a restaurant and talking for longer. They start going on car rides and singing along to whatever song Camila insists is her favorite at the moment - that ranges from Tokyo Drift to Bohemian Rhapsody, so, yeah. 

And it's nice. Not just because Lauren is getting a bigger crush on Camila every day. More so because she's been lonely for a long time now. 

The first semester was nice, but after everything with Katie fizzled out she lost that friend group, and she hasn't had friends at home in a while, so it's really nice to experience what having a friend group is like. 

She even likes Niall despite the small crush Camila openly has on him. He has a girlfriend, so Lauren can ignore the crush since she knows it's not going to go anywhere. Plus its fine. Lauren has crushes on a lot of other people too. Doesn't mean she's any less crazy about Camila. 

She's happy. She's really happy over break. And she tries not to think about how bad this could be. When you get a crush on someone, most people consider the fact that they should distance themselves, but Lauren, stupid fuckin' Lauren decided that she needed to be as close as she could get. 

Not only is Camila now her source of happiness for her love life, she's also her closest friend. great going Lauren.


	7. 7

I can't do this again but I don't know how to make it stop - 12/23/18LJ 

"So I wanted to get your advice about something," Camila says, fiddling with her guitar notebook in front of her and putting her guitar itself to the side so she can get back to it later. 

They're hanging out at Camila's house and it's a Thursday night and Camila was supposed to work but she called in sick because she wanted to hangout with Lauren and Lauren is flattered and happy and she comes over with candy and red bulls and movie ideas. 

(Camila always drinks Lauren's red bulls, it's kind of a thing. It is cute, Lauren doesn't ask her to buy her own because she thinks it's cute when they're on break and Camila asks for a sip every five seconds with those pups dog eyes. Lucy gives them weird looks and Jasmyn teases her over it but Lauren thinks it's cute so she lets her.)

And Camila's house is what Lauren expected it to be. All too homey and a little bit messy and it smells like Camila's hair and Lauren hates that she knows her smell.

Her family is so so nice and Lauren was so so very nervous to meet them but her mother had hugged her and said "so you're the one that Camila always talks about, it's nice to finally have the pleasure of meeting 'Mrs. Green eyes-"

"Mami! Stop," Camila chimes in, face flushing and hand gripping Lauren's wrist before tugging her away. "We're going to my room," she continues and Lauren and her mom giggle. 

"It was nice to meet you too, Mrs. Cabello," Lauren calls back to her as she lets Camila guide her (as always). 

So that's how he finds herself sitting on Camila's bed and eagerly waiting the topic Camila needs guidance on. She doesn't know what to expect, but she hopes her heart can handle it (or that her acting is as good as she's always known it to be in situations where her heart is getting stomped on). 

"It's about Austin," Camila says. "I just, I only got Dinah's opinion on this and I wanted yours because... I mean you know how Dinah is, and I trust you a lot, Lo."

"I'm all ears," Lauren smiles, leaning in closer to Camila. They're sat on the foot of the younger girls bed and are already closer than is necessary, but Camila moves in closer in response so Lauren keeps smiling and it isn't as fake as it was a second ago. 

"He wants to try being together. Like actually together," Camila says, and she's smiling that soft smile that always takes Lauren's breath away and Lauren's heart is breaking.

Lauren remembers the first time Camila talked to her about Austin. It was that night she was sure they were flirting about guitar lessons and then Camila blindsided her by being straight. 

She hadn't replied for a few minutes, calming herself down so Lucy wouldn't notice something off, but eventually she decided she'd rather not let this cause Camila to notice something off, so she replied asking for details despite being sickened by the idea of actually getting them. 

Camila told her that Austin had been "her man" for about a year now. 

Lauren didn't know that. Somehow she didn't know that and she remembers feeling like she's going to throw up. 

Later she'll find out that by that, Camila means they've been on and off flirty, sometimes making out at parties and cuddling on study dates and sometimes totally ignoring each other. 

And it sucks, kind of, but it could be worse. Lauren could not know this about Camila. She could continue to think Camila is single and think maybe she likes her back and then eventually find out right when she's about ton confess her love and have all of her hopes and dreams shattered. 

(Sometimes she thinks that would be better though. To live and love in blissful ignorance.) 

She'd pretended to be interested, pretended to be happy for Camila. 

Then she'd cried about it for the first time. Lucy left her house because it was late (Camila was just going out now, even though it was late and even though Camila liked to sleep, because apparently Camila liked Austin more than she liked to sleep. Lauren can't help but wonder how late Camila would stay up for her.)

Lucy left her house because it was late and Lauren listened to Harry Styles' cover of Girl Crush and she cried for the first time about it.

She didn't let herself cry about it again. 

"And it's been on and off for such a long time that I just don't know if he's capable of having something that's not just casual, you know?" Camila asks, and Lauren hates that she knows what advice she's abut to give, hates that she has to give it or she won't be able to forgive herself. Camila deserves good things. "And I just don't know if I can trust this because-"

"Look Camz, I know you're skeptical, but maybe you should give it a chance," and Lauren's never thought she'd want to punch herself in the face but she really wants to punch herself in the face. "You said you've been on and off for a while right?" she asks, continuing at Camila's nod, "and he's never asked you to be more serious before?"

"So it's not that he isn't trustworthy, it's just that he's never had these intentions before. Now that he does, I think you should give him a chance to prove himself," Lauren shrugs, as if she isn't killing herself saying it. 

"You think so?" Camila asks, after looking at Lauren for a moment with a curious gaze. 

"Only one chance though, you're too good for boys to get away with not treating you like the perfection that you are," Lauren adds, intending for it to be a lighthearted comment but when she looks up to meet Camila's eyes, they're filled with something all too heavy. 

Lauren wants to lean in. 

She's close enough to see the small crease between Camila's eyebrows as she looks at her like she's trying to figure something out. Close enough to smell Camila's shampoo, close enough to notice that Camila has adorable freckles dotting right under her eyes. Close enough to wonder who's keeping Camila up late enough to cause those bags under her eyes. 

Camila's leaning in. 

She's leaning in and Lauren is close enough to guess that maybe Camila doesn't even realize she's leaning in but she is and Lauren's wanted to kiss her for so long and-

"Mila! Dinner is ready whenever you guys are," Camila's mom yells up, and the younger girl jumps back as if she'd been burned. 

Lauren tries to act like it doesn't hurt. 

"Um, we should," Camila starts, clearing her throat and looking anywhere but at Lauren. "Are you hungry?" she asks, and she kind of manages to glance upward but she still can't meet green eyes and Lauren is kind of glad because she thinks she might start to cry. 

"Um yeah. Yeah I am, let's go down," she says, and like. they don't talk about it. 

Camila talks about Austin a lot after that and Lauren stops faking a smile after a while but Camila doesn't comment on it. 

And it's, well, they don't talk about it. And Lauren hates feeling like the next time she sees Camila the younger girl will be awkward or cold and she hates that Camila could realize Lauren was going to kiss her because she liked her and she decides she has to make up her mind. 

Lauren decides the only possible way to force the decisions upon herself is to do what she's been refusing since earlier September. 

She tells Camila about her sex life again. 

It's the only thing that'll force her to stick to her choice in not falling back into the trap. Because she's close with Camila now, and she really cares about her and she wants to be her friend but it hurts, it hurts. a lot and she thinks she can't be her friend if she still has lingering feelings. 

she always wonders if that's why Camila doesn't like her back. Camila was her friend for a while before she realized she liked her. She wasn't too close with her, obviously, but she was close enough that Lauren had made a few jokes about her sex life in the past. 

Not to mention Camila was on her softball team. Sports teams always compare sex stories at team dinners, that's like, mandatory. So yeah, as a freshmen Camila was made aware that Lauren lost her virginity. 

She didn't know that Lauren only did it to prove that she could still like boys even though she liked girls too now. She didn't know that it hurt so bad Lauren could've cried. She didn't know that she did cry, later that night, and that nobody was there to help her through it at all. 

(Nobody knows that part, but Lauren is sure Camila would've been the best help if only she'd known.)

Camila knew about her sex life up until Lauren decided she shouldn't tell her potential crush any details. 

(But still, there's the rumors, so maybe Camila knows more than what's true, and maybe Lauren doesn't even need to bother telling Camila about her sex life because she already thinks Lauren's a slut and, damn it, Lauren is a feminist she needs to stop using that term. But she can't, she doesn't want...) 

But Camila is talking about Austin, and how nothing happened, but he picked her up at 11 and they drove around and they parked in an empty parking lot and-

Lauren can't take it. She can't do this, she can't.

"Oh my god I forgot to tell you! I hooked up with this dope as hell 28 year old guy at school," and it's out there and Lauren figures it's as casual aspkossible to drop it during boy talk and-

"Oh."

Oh? Oh? Oh!?

Oh my god. Lauren doesn't know how to react. she can't react. Her eyes widen and her jaw drops and Camila looks down at the ground and then away and she swallows down the lump that Lauren knows is in her throat. 

Lauren can tell because it's the same lump she had to swallow when she found out Camila was with Austin. She knows her reaction because she had that reaction. 

"But like, that was months ago actually, I just wanted to update you," she shrugs it off. And Camila looks up at her again and there's a moment. 

Camila's looking at her and there's a moment and that "oh," and this moment is enough to pull her right back in. 

She's going to wait for Camila Cabello no matter how long it takes for the younger girl to realize she wants Lauren just as bad as Lauren's always wanted her.


	8. 8

I think love is a gift, and I think I will just enjoy being in love with her- 1/23/19 LJ

So Lauren is back to her original theory. 

She thinks, no, she's confident now so she knows that Camila likes her back. 

Camila is two years younger than her. It's only natural that she's still going through some identity crisis when it comes to her sexuality and sure, she's kind of dating Austin as of right now but that doesn't matter anymore! She almost kissed Lauren without thinking about it and she got hurt, whether or not she knew it, when Lauren brought up sleeping with someone else. 

She thinks that Camila is in love with her and she's willing to wait however long it takes to end up with the younger girl. 

She thinks it's worth it to wait however long it takes. And sure, maybe it doesn't have to be a big thing, maybe she can just be in love with Camila and maintain other relationships and do other things and be on love with Camila and not focus solely on that. 

Lauren knows it might hurt a little bit but she's been in Camila's life for years now and she's had the privilege of getting close enough to see how worth it it will be in the end. 

She's going to last. 

There might be temporary other people, but Camila is going to be it for her, she's sure of that now and she's even more sure that shell have the patience to stay in the brown eyed girl's life no matter who she's involved with and how much it hurts. 

Camila's POV 

"Mila are you sure you're okay?" Dinah asks, face concerned at Camila's lack of concern. 

"Yes? Why wouldn't I be okay?" Camila asks, shrugging and moving from her bed to her desk to grab a charger. 

"Umm cause that fucker you've been with for like, kind of a while has been sleeping with one of your best - well I mean ex best friends?" Dinah asks. "That doesn't bother you?" 

"Um not to be dramatic but not really," Camila deadpans, smiling when Dinah looks at her annoyed "look he was cool for a second but I don't real need him. She can enjoy him, and I'm better off without him. It's not that hard to get over it," she shrugs again, and Dinah is like, confused by how easy going Camila is being about all of this. 

It's kind of like she didn't like Austin at all. 

"Can you get off your phone and explain to me what's going on?" Dinah asks, really not bang into her friends behavior. 

"Sorry let me just..." Camila trails off, typing away with a smile the size of Texas on her face (not literally, metaphorically). 

"Oh, oh okay I see what's up," Dinah smirks, putting two and two together. "You found someone else too. That';s why you could care less about your cheating boyfriend, you have a new someone," Dinah grins, fist bumping herself internally for cracking it. (Also using gender neutral words because she knows Camila and she thinks that she knows something about Camila tat Maybe Camila doesn't yet know about Camila).

"What?" Camila stands up, attention definitely caught at that. "No it's just Lauren, she's back for spring break Friday so we're planning," she says. 

"Okay can I just..." Dinah starts, not continuing until she has a deep breath and Camila's full attention on her. "I figured it was Lauren... like when I suggested it was romantic. Are you sure there's nothing going on with you two?" 

Dinah's been thinking it for a while now. Like a long long while if you know what she means. But she hasn't said it out loud because she didn't want to throw Camila into a panic. 

She figures its okay to bring it up now though since Austin is out of the picture. Maybe now that Camil is single she'll be able to look at the bigger picture and see who she's supposed to en dup with, who's better to her than the orange faced bitch boy ever could be. 

"What are you talking about?" Camila asks, face turning accusing and eyes narrowing in a way Dinah's never seen her oh - so overly friendly best friend's eyes narrow. 

"Look Camila you and Lauren have been like, attached at the hip despite her living hours away. It's not that absurd for me to think something is up," Dinah defends herself. "I mean, have you told her about Austin yet?" Dinah asks and continues at Camila's small nod. "What'd she say?"

"Umm... she said he was stupid," Camila starts, hesitant to answer. "And that he should've... that he should've treated me the way that I deserve because I'm me and I deserve more than anyone is capable of," Camila stops herself. "Dinah she's my best friend. Other than you of course," she adds playfully when Dinah shoots her a look. "She cares about me and I care about her but it's not, please don't ask me to explain this." 

Dinah doesn't expect her to say the last part, and her eyes go wide as Camila's go down to the floor. 

"Soo," Dinah starts instead after a moment of letting the words hang in the air, "wanna watch H2O?" she asks, knowing Camila was looking forward to marathoning the mermaid show. 

Camila's smile is grateful and Dinah's always known how to help her escape from her own mind.

She spends most of the time smiling like a dummy and texting Lauren and she tries not to think about what Dinah had suggested earlier. 

Sure, it's been on the back of her mind for a while but Camila doesn't like the fact that someone's finally said it out loud. 

Sometimes Shawn and Niall would tease them on how close they were, and sometimes Jess would complain about how all over each other they ere at work, but having someone explicitly ask her if she had feelings for Lauren was different and it made it harder to hide from the ghosts lingering in the back of her head. 

Lauren gets back later that week and Camila feels like she can finally breathe again. 

She gets to see her a few hours after Lauren gets back and Lauren's hugs have always been her favorite. And like, she's not saying she likes spending time away from Lauren, but her hugs get better the longer they have to spend apart from each other. 

"What are we doing?" Shawn says once Camila climbs into the car, saddling right up to Lauren's side in greeting but then moving over for a little bit of space when Niall shoots them a teasing look. 

"Movie night," Camila says, like it's obvious, and Lauren shrugs in agreement, meaning they can use her house, and Shawn takes off. 

Camila doesn't cuddle with all of her friends. She tells Shawn and Niall and Lauren that she cuddles with everyone, she does't know why. 

(She curls against Lauren and doesn't let go for the whole movie and she thinks that's why.)

Lauren's been pretty quiet since the movie started though, and if Lauren is anything, she's loud during movies, so Camila leans in closer to ask her what's up. 

"What's on your mind Lo," Camila asks, grabbing her friends hand and pretending not to notice how perfectly her skin feels against her own. 

"Hmm," Lauren mumbles back, leaning into the touch and allowing her body to mold closer into Camila's side. 

"You seem quiet," Camila says, mouth close to Lauren's ear and mind trying to not pay attention to the goosebumps that cover Lauren's neck as her breath hits it.

"Just a lot going on I guess," Lauren says simply, squeezing Camila's hand reassuringly 

 

"I just like one person Camila. I've like the for a while and I'm just... I'm focusing on that right now. It's not a big deal but it's also not a small deal. It's fine though," Lauren says softly, "So no, I'm not stressed about all my hoes because I don't have any, just one girl on my mind."

And Lauren's eyes have always shown exactly what she's feeling, Camila noticed that when she was fourteen and Lauren asked her if she thought she was better at short stop or first base. Camila had said she'd prefer Lauren over anyone else at any position and Lauren's eyes had made Camila smile so hard she'd known she said the right thing. 

Right now her eyes look like she's telling Camila she's in love with her. They're screaming it's you it's you it's you, but Camila is choosing to just see the green.

"That's good Lo," Camila smiles, and finally tears her gaze away because she doesn't want to see the hurt they're about to show. (She's seen it before, so many times, and she doesn't know how much more she can take). "This mystery chick better be up to status though, I want to meet her as soon as shit works out." 

They hangout a lot over spring break, and it's nice because it's Lauren and Camila and Camila loves spending time with her more than anybody in the world (don't Tell Dinah). 

When it's time for Lauren to go back to school Camila cries again. She cries later that night too because she thinks she loves Lauren more than she should. 

Now that she's single, now that she doesn't have a boy to distract her from her questions, there's nothing blocking them from screaming out to her at all times. 

She finds other ways to keep them buried though.

Lauren's POV

"Hey," a voice speaks from behind her in the aisle that she thought she was alone in and she almost freezes when it clicks in her head why the voice is familiar. She spins after a second, hating that she's in her work uniform and not in something that'll make Keana regret not giving her a fighting chance. 

"Keana," she starts, putting on a smile that isn't actually that fake as the other girl basically beams at her, doing nothing to conceal how happy she is at seeing Lauren, being in her presence, is making her. "Hey, long time no see." 

And like, Lauren doesn't know what to do because is she supposed to hug her or just say hi and leave or? 

It's finally summer. Lauren's finally back at work full time and it's summer and Camila is in the backroom being her beautiful self and Lauren is supposed to be stress are but now Keana is in front of her and she doesn't know what to do. 

But Keana starts talking before Lauren can think of an escape route. 

"I actually wanted to see you," she starts, and Lauren remembers that about Keana, she was a little bit extra and a little bit personal and Lauren wonders what she's about to do. 

"Oh?" Lauren asks, feeling her cheeks heat a little bit with Keana's gaze on her again after such a long time of wanting it back. (She gave up on that idea, obviously. She's totally completely head over heels with Camila now). 

"I was wondering if you wanted to hangout sometime. You know, we could catch up? We never did get to hangout again over winter break like we said we would and I guess I've just, I've been thinking about you lately," Keana basically rasps and Lauren would like to say this is out of left field but maybe it isn't. 

Despite what the rumors say, Keana and her weren't just fuck buddies for a week. 

(Or well, the rumors are worse than that. The rumors are much worse than that and Lauren cried for a week when Keana refused to dispute them, simply laughed along.)

But they were friends. they had feelings for each other. The sex was so good, so easy to fall into because they fit so well together and Lauren doesn't really think they stopped fitting well together. Sure Keana left her for some boy, but they still texted every now and then. They hangout once over the summer to catch up before leaving for school. 

Keana would reply to her instagram rant stories about how biphobic literally everyone other than other bi people are. 

Keana was kind of always around, so Lauren didn't feel as surprised as she might've at the girl wanting to spend time together again. 

They were good together. Lauren doesn't like how things ended, but if she's being honest it wasn't entirely Keana's fault. Keana was afraid to be so openly out. Afraid to hold a girl in public, and given her history with Jacob or Jason or whatever the fuck his name was, Lauren can't bring it in her to hold it against her for choosing him instead. 

She thinks about how great that month was though. How she felt electricity shoot through her body every time Keana brushed against her. How she felt energized just lying in the other girl's embrace for a moment. 

"I'd like that." 

She says it without thinking, caught up in thoughts of last year and butterflies and the softest kisses she's felt. 

(She hasn't felt Camila's yet, but later when Keana is texting her, excited for their plans the next day, Lauren can't help but wish it was a different girl she was planning a date with.)

Camila's POV

Camila finds out about Lauren and Keana a week after there's anything to find out about. 

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Dinah asks, quietly, hesitantly, like she's afraid of Camila's reaction. 

Lauren hadn't even told her. 

"Mila," Dinah prods gently, having seen the picture over her phone. 

Keana posted a story on her instagram. 

"What? No, no I'm... its nothing," Camila says, holding the story in place and now glaring at her phone. 

It's a picture of Lauren. It's a picture of her best friend curled in Keana's blankets with a smile on her face and a caption "you so :) fuckin :) precious :) when u :) smile :)" and Camila wants to punch Keana in the face. She really really wants to punch Keana in the face right now. 

"Are you sure? You've been kind of... staring at that like you wanna burn it? Not that there's anything wrong with you wanting to burn it but like," Dinah starts again. 

"No I don't... I don't know what you're talking about," Camila says, voice shaking with hesitation. "I'm just worried is all. Lauren is my best friend. This is the girl that broke her heart before. I just... she went through a lot over this, I don't want her make any choices that's goin to end up hurting her," Camila continues, trying not to sound to passionate. "She doesn't deserve to be hurt, she's Lauren." 

She says it like it's enough of an explanation and like Dinah knows that to Camila it is. 

Camila doesn't know what to do because the questions in the back of her head are getting louder and she's starting to feel like maybe she's in love with her best friend.


	9. 9

hi guys I just want to put trigger for mention of sexual assault and a bit of like lacking consent but not as much assault (it's triggering but assault is a strong word and im not sure if this counts) I'll like put an Astrid where it starts and ends for u if you want to skip it.

I just want someone, one person, any person to love and love and to love me back - 5/21/19 LJ

Troye is having a party. 

His parents are out of town and he thinks why not have a party and so he has one. He can't decide which friends to invite so he invites all groups, even the ones that clash, and that's how Lauren finds herself on the couch with Keana, water in her hand and girl on her lap. 

She came with Keana, picked up the other girl and anxiously drove to Troye's house while Keana did makeup next to her. 

Lucy was coming later on with Vero, and she still doesn't like that Lauren is back with Keana, but she doesn't really protest at Lauren going with her. 

Camila does though. 

Camila does it quietly, like she doesn't understand why she's making an argument but she needs to make it anyways. Like Brendan. He was a piece of shit to Lauren in a lot of ways but she never told Camila about that, so it doesn't make sense for Camila to aggressively say "No!" whenever Lauren says she might hit him up again. Now that she's hanging out with Keana, she's seeing Camila react the same way, maybe with a little more reason, but there's still confusion. 

Camila really doesn't like that Lauren is back with her, and sure, she has some reasoning, but she's been weird since she confronted Lauren about the picture posted on Keana's instagram. 

(Lauren wanted so badly to tell her the nothing happened, that Keana kissed her but that's all that happened because Lauren is in love with Camila and as hard as she tried she couldn't reciprocate Keana's feeling because she's so in love with Camila).

She would've listened to Camila in a heartbeat if she didn't find out that Camila was going with Dinah and Austin. 

If she's going with Austin Lauren is glad she'll have Keana to throw her emotions too. 

Lauren doesn't like Austin at all, and not just because he's got his hands all over Camila, but because he cheated on her and she told Camila to only give him one chance and he doesn't deserve her. 

But she finds herself here. On the couch, with the girl who she used to call the girl of her dreams (she can make her that again, she can forget the way Camila makes her see sunshine and rainbows in the dullest things) on her lap. 

"Having fun at all?" she asks Keana, who's drinking and cuddling into her neck. She's always Been one to go sit on the outsides of parties. Lauren thinks that's kind of why she liked Keana at first, she was very quiet and the mystery that was getting to know her was enchanting to Lauren. 

"Yeah babe," Keana smiles, turning her attention to Lauren and leaning in to kiss her on the cheek. "I'm glad we can to this I haven't seen people from high school since... high school." Keana laughs at that and Lauren joins her. 

"Yeah me neither really, other than a few people. I'm glad we came too though," she continues, trying to hold conversation. Keana is always quiet but she's being more so tonight than she usually is. 

"How's your break going so far?" Keana asks, sipping her drink and playing with Lauren's hair with the other hand. Lauren missed her doing that. 

"It's good, slow I guess," Lauren shrugs, sipping her own water. "I've just kind of been working and-"

"Wanna dance?" Keana says, interrupting Lauren but smiling cute enough that Lauren doesn't really mind, just gets up, taking Keana with her and moving closer to the center of the room where a few people are dancing. 

Lauren gets what this is about as soon as Keana turns her ass to her and starts grinding back. 

Oh. 

Okay it's like, she was being boring again, probably, she has a habit of doing that. It's okay though, at least Keana isn't rude about it, she just cuts to the chase. 

Lauren goes with it too, because she can see Camila standing over with Dinah and that Austin kid and she knows that if she doesn't focus on Keana's body then she'll focus on the way his hand is on Camila's lower back and she's leaning into his touch. 

Keana has her hands back tangled in Lauren's here and a few people tell them to get a room or whoop them on as she spins and pulls their bodies flush together. 

Lauren lets herself go with it, closing her eyes and following the beat (anything but the way Camila sips out of his drink then leans in to his arm that's now all the way around her). 

Keana is kissing her neck now though, just pepper kisses, nothing to sexual, but she bites at her collar bone and reaches a hand around to grab Lauren's ass and, this is, it's not embarrassing, but Lauren just knows everyone is thinking about how easy she is and how she's probably been waiting for someone to make a move and-

"Follow me," Keana is speaking again, biting at Lauren's neck one more time before pulling her hand away from the room. 

She catches Camila's eyes, questioning, maybe a little bit of something else, as she follows Keana to the bathroom and she tries not to think about what that something else might've been. 

She's pushed against the sink and everything is so how it always is. 

It sucks. 

Or like, it doesn't. She doesn't know. Lauren doesn't really know how she feels about anything anymore. 

She just knows that everything is an out of body experience when you live like this, and that Keana has her shirt bunched up and her tongue in her mouth and she isn't even sure if the door is locked. 

*********************

"What's going on Keana?" Lauren asks, pushing back at the girl's hips as she tries to get closer. "Why are we in here and not out there?" 

And she should've seen this coming. 

"What do you mean?' Keana asks, and like, she's just ignoring her, she's kissing down her neck, sucking on a spot that usually has Lauren seeing stars.

All she sees this time is what she should've seen a few weeks ago when Keana hit her up. What she always gets out of other people. Or what the get out of her before moving on.

"Keana stop... wait a second, Keana," Lauren tries again. "You said you wanted me to see your friends," and she's hoping, she's really really hoping that this will snap her out of it. She like Keana. She thinks she can like her even more than she did before and she thinks it can fix everything that's been so wrong lately. 

"C'mon Laur, just," Keana doesn't listen though, she does reach a hand down to Lauren's jean button, "just we can be quick, then we can see them after," and she's got it open now and Lauren's biting back tears as a small, familiar hand makes its way into her pants and she's about to let her. 

Lauren's never been one to say no to people. That's one of the things she learned about herself senior year when everybody was telling her her own narrative. Apparently, she wasn't good at saying no, or at least that's why everyone said she did so much with so many.

She's hooked up with more people than most can count, or at least that's what Vanessa told everyone. Coincidentally that was a week before she started talking o Keana for the first time, and maybe right now she's connecting the dots that that was just an 'easy hit' for Keana. 

She's good with her mouth. That's what all the guys said for years (yes she did stuff with a few of them, but it was only because she was confused, because she liked girls and she didn't think she was supposed to like girls that's weird and it wasn't allowed and she only did that stuff with those boys because it made her feel normal), and that's what Keana fed into when she told everyone Lauren was the best she had after only dating her for about a second. (Lauren just liked her a lot, that's why she had sex so fast she just, she really really liked her). 

She's up for whatever. Brendan supplied the public with that one. He didn't tell them that she tried to say no to a lot of it. That she would try to pull away bu the was just... he was stronger than her and he won most of the time. It's her own fault though, because the next time he put his hand on her leg she didn't pull away. 

And Keana is, Keana was Lauren's first love, and Keana doesn't hesitate, despite Lauren's clear hesitation to shove her panties aside and rub along her slit (and she's wet, she hates how reactive her body always is because she feels like she's wrong for saying no but she doesn't want this right now she really doesn't, and it's always this way and she hates it). 

And Lauren thinks she's going to cry, but she lets out a moan because that's what she's always done, go with it now, regret it later. 

And Keana is right there again, kissing her and touching her and Lauren is letting it happen and then something happens. 

Crazier comes on. 

Crazier comes on and Lauren here's the strums echo through the house and she pulls away from Keana, grabbing the girls wrist before she can go any further. 

"I..." Lauren starts, and finally Keana is paying attention to her, she's paying attention to her and she's not trying to continue despite her obvious lack of enthusiasm. "I need to go. And I... I think we should stop seeing each other." 

"Oh," Keana says, and she looks confused. She doesn't look hurt, which kind of hurts Lauren because she was Lauren's first like girl that she loved and she thought she might've loved her back but-

"I just... I think I really like someone else and I think it might be more than physical attraction," and it feels like, she feels like stupid for saying that, because she's making it seem like the rumors are right, and that she's never felt 'more than a physical attraction,' she was in love with Keana, and she had feelings for Katie, and she even could've loved her psycho old girlfriend who spread all those rumors. But right now, she's in love with Camila, so she doesn't take the time to explain all that to Keana, she just leaves the bathroom to find her brown eyed beauty.

The song is still on once she makes her way out. 

The song that's been on top of her playlists about Camila for months. The song that makes her forget how much it hurts sometimes to be in live with her. It's the song that perfectly captures how head over heels in love she is. 

And with a deep breath and a glance at Camila, she's brave enough to do something about it. 

Lauren believes in signs. She believes in signs, and she believes in soulmates, and she believe in fate, and she believes that Camila is her end and beginning and she believes that if she doesn't do something right now she'll forever regret it. 

Because this stupid, sappy, perfect song is on for some reason at a party and Lauren thinks that's more of a sign than she could've possibly gotten from anything else. 

She thinks this sign, she thinks Camila might've just saved her again. From dong something stupid, from missing an opportunity, from not getting rid of toxic people and from not appreciating amazing ones. If she doesn't do something with all that Camila is giving her she's going to regret it. 

(She's about to regret it anyways.)

Camila's pov 

On the other side of the room, Camila is standing with Dinah when the Taylor Swift song comes on overhead. 

The lights are dim and the mood is romantic, but Camila can't think straight. Camila is fuming. 

Lauren's here. Lauren's here with Keana. Lauren's here, and she just left the bathroom with the girl who left her for no reason, the girl who used her for sex, the girl who broke her heart and doesn't deserve-

"You okay there, Walz?" 

Camila's glaring at Keana, who, by the way, isn't even dancing with Lauren, despite this being her favorite song! Keana should know that! Camila thinks that Keana is a psychopath and should leave the group she's laughing with and find her girl and do something other than fuck her in the bathroom! How fucked is that? Having sex with her in the bathroom and then not even dancing with her to her favorite-

"Mila, what the fuck is up with you?" 

"What?" Camila snaps her gaze to Dinah, unable to keep the scowl off her lips. "Nothing I just hate her stupid ass so much." 

Dinah's like, kind of smirking, which pisses Camila off more and leads to her ranting some more. 

"Like, why the fuck can't she just leave Lauren alone already? It wasn't enough to toy with her for months in high school, now she has to find her once she's moved on and use her again?"

"Mile calm down," Dinah says, shrugging and looking over at Keana who's walking over to the drinks table. "She probably just woke the fuck up. Lauren is a catch and maybe Keana just hadn't been comfortable with her sexuality, or maybe they just weren't ready for each other at that point in time. She's making Lauren happy right now though, and maybe it's different, maybe she really likes Lauren for more than-"

She doesn't know why she says it. 

" Lauren's a good fuck Dinah! That's it," she snaps, and again, she doesn't know why she says it. 

"Mila-"

"No it's unfair that this bitch is back cause she realized she can use some more, since apparently there's a never ending supply of slu-"

"Camila!" Dinah snaps and this time it isn't questioning, it's angry, and it's warning, and her gaze isn't on Camila any more it's right over her shoulder. 

She didn't mean to say it, but if she'd known that Lauren was standing behind her she would've found whatever it was that spit it out from inside of her and killed it. 

If she knew how broken Lauren's face would be looking back at her she would've gladly had her tongue cut out before she could let it leave her mouth. 

But it did, and she's seen Lauren sad before, only a few times. But she's always been the one comforting it, not causing it, and she's never seen her looks so hopeless. 

She doesn't know what to say now.

"Lauren," Dinah starts for her, and Camila feels like the worst person in the world looking at her best friend so beaten down. 

"Lo, I didn't - I didn't mean to, I'm sorry I was just mad and rambling and I didn't even know what I was-"

"It's fine, Camila," Lauren finally speaks and if Camila's heart wasn't broken at her face before hand, it would be with the way that her voice cracks in the way it does when Lauren is holding back tears. 

She usually doesn't have to hold tears back around Camila. 

"Um, I'm going to go," Lauren says after avoiding eye contact for another minute, and Camila doesn't even feel she has the right to try to stop her. 

Watching her leave and not being able to chase after her hurts and not knowing what just spiked that outburst confuses her and it all hurts and she can't even feel the hurt because she knows its nothing compared to what she just caused Lauren. 

"Why the hell did you say that?" Dinah snaps once Lauren is gone. 

Camila wants to answer, she wants to give any answer but she can't because she doesn't know. She has no idea why (she thinks she knows but she doesn't want that to be it that can't be it-), she has no idea how to go take it back either. She can't think of anything other than Lauren's face when she called her-

"Oh my god Dinah," Camila says, eyes filling with tears and throat closing up and "I don't know, Dinah I swear I didn't mean to, I'd never try to hurt her. Dinah what do I do?" and she's crying now, she doesn't know what else she can do so she cries, burying her face into her hands and eventually clinging onto Dinah when the younger girl gently pries her hands away and pulls her into a hug. 

She thinks she knows why she said it, but she can't even say it to herself, so how could she say it to Dinah?

Lauren's POV 

It hurts. Her feet hurt, her eyes hurt, her throat hurts, her head hurts, her heart hurts, everything hurts. 

Camila called her a slut. Camila thinks she's a slut. 

Camila. Her best friend. The only person who hadn't held anything she's been rumored to have done in the past against her just held everything against her and it hurts. 

Lauren's had her fair share of heartbreaks. 

There was Julianna in middle school. The pretty blonde girl who turned out to be straight and a a bitch and not worth Lauren's time. She broke her heart into pieces that Lauren never thought she could recover from when she looked at her with disgust when she told her she might be bisexual. 

She did recover though, only to have her heart broken by Commander Lexa's death because of course it was too good to be true, a lesbian couple being the center of a mainstream television show. 

(She's being serious that was heartbreak fuck you if you think it doesn't count since she wasn't real). 

The most traumatizing heart break was finding out that her best friend, or her ex friend, or her old friend, someone she thought she could trust with every thing had used anything turn everyone against her. 

She didn't know what to do when she found out the one she had turned to for help was the one using her every word to push her in deeper. 

Keana shattered her heart in a way that Lauren wouldn't even admit to herself. A break that echoed throughout the backroom of her grocery store and led her right into the arms of Camila Cabello. 

She didn't think Camila would break her heart. 

Camila with her gentle hands, and her soft smiles, and her loud laugh, and her beautiful everything. 

Lauren tonight her heart was safe with the younger girl. But this? This hurts more than everything else combined. 

Camila thinks she's a slut.


	10. 10

Lauren doesn't know what to do. She can only think of one thing and that's to get some space. 

She calls Ally. 

Ally is the only person she can think to help her in this situation, the only person who doesn't know anything about the situation and will without a doubt be able to get her mind off of this. Besides, Ally is so healthy, mentally that is, that Lauren thinks that might be important in getting healthier herself. Surround yourself with people you want to be like. 

If you asked her an hour ago who brought out the best in her, she would've told you Camila without hesitation. 

Camila is the best person. 

Camila thinks she's a slut. 

Ally lives about an hour away. Its an easy ride, Lauren had picked her up on her way back from spring break to bring her back to campus, and it was an easy ride and of course when Lauren sos her if she can visit Ally says yes. 

She doesn't ask her whats wrong, Lauren can hear the concern in her voice but Ally doesn't ask her what's wrong, she'll wait for Lauren to tell her. 

And so she's packing. 

She's glad none of her family are here because she isn't sure if she could handle talking to any of them right now. Because Camila thinks she's a slut and everything hurts. 

And she's embarrassed. She doesn't want to face Lucy or Taylor because she'll have to tel them she was wrong, that Camila doesn't love her back and that Camila thinks she's a slut and-

She needs to stop thinking so much so she starts packing.

She's packing and she's blasting music and she's really trying not to think about the girl who broke her heart harder than anyone had before but-

"Lo," its quiet. 

Its quite, and small and soft and Camila is in her doorway and Lauren is going to break down and cry because Camila, perfect Camila, her perfect Camila thinks she's a slut. 

"What do you want, Camila?" Lauren asks, voice shaky as she continues packing, trying to ignore the girl at her door.

"What are you... why are you-"

"Camila I'm really not in the mood," Lauren cuts her off, not having it in her to deal with this right now.

Camila think she's a slut.

Camila thinks she's a slut Camila thinks she's a slut Camila thinks she's a slut Camila thinks she's a slut Camila thinks she's a slut

"I'm sorry," Camila starts, cutting into her thoughts, snapping her out of the loop that's been going on since Lauren overheard her yesterday. "I'm, what I said was horrible Lauren, I didn't mean it and I... I had to say I'm sorry."

"Do you know how many people have called me a slut this year alone Camila?" Lauren asks, finally turning to face Camila who looks like she's in actual physical pain at the distance between them. (That doesn't make Lauren feel better, it makes her feel worse because she's still so in love with Camila and she doesn't want her to be in pain.

"Do you?" Lauren snaps, not allowing herself to linger on how badly she wants to hug the younger girl. She's too hurt, too betrayed to hurt the younger girl.

Camila just shakes her head, not daring to risk her voice cracking.

"Me neither," Lauren says, "I lost track of how many people were talking behind my back. I lost track of how many rumors were going around at once. But it didn't really matter because everybody just assumed they were true.

"I fucked the entire boys basketball team. Did you hear that one? I let Brendan do whatever he wanted, wherever he wanted. That one? Well that certainly sounds like something I'd do so who am I to correct it? Here's a good one, I slept with five guys while I was dating Maggie last year. Five guys! And Maggie! Which I thought was funny cause I don't remember having sex with any of them, but if everyone insists it happened it must have, right?"

And she feels bad, because Camila is looking down and she looks so small and helpless and

Camila thinks she's a slut Camila thinks she's a slut Camila thinks she's a slut Camila thinks she's a slut Camila thinks she's a slut

"I told you how I felt about all of that Camila," Lauren says, and her voice cracks in a way that's mirroring her heart. "I told you Camila, you knew it wasn't true, you know me, you know that's not... why would you say that Camila? You were the only person who hadn't.... You're the only one who didn't think that about me... how could you-"

"I've always known how to ice skate," Camila finally cuts in, interrupting Lauren's ranting.

"w...What?" Lauren asks, still humiliated, enraged, beaten down, but now also confused as hell.

"My dad taught me how to ice skate when I was like, six," Camia continues shyly, "I um... I already knew how but I asked you to teach me because I wanted to hold your hand."

"What?" Lauren asks again, face now completely blank because she can't possibly be hearing what she's hearing.

"Lauren don't make me say it," Camila says, and it's so small and so broken (almost as broken as Lauren feels right now). "Please? I was jealous, okay? I - I know what I said earlier, I know how fucked up it was, I know I hurt you and I know that it was the worst possible thing for me to say because I know you. I know your head and i know your heart and I know that you're so much more than some body for sex. You're the most beautiful person, inside out, and I'm so, so sorry for what I said tonight but I only said it because..."

"Camz," Lauren starts, moving a step closer to the younger girl and feeling anything other than adoration for the younger girl slip away from her mind, no longer caring about anything other than right in this moment.

"Wait a second," Camila says, holding up a hand and wiping at her eyes which Lauren only now notices are leaking tears. Her own are too. "I can say it I just need to, I can't say it until I say how sorry I am. You're not a slut Lauren. You need to know that, you need to believe that," Camila has desperation in her voice that has Lauren listening, believing. 

"It doesn't matter what other people have said because I know your heart and you know your heart and what other people say about you doesn't matter Lauren. I was just, god Lauren, do you not know how perfect you are to me? You're the most amazing person and having to see you with someone who doesn't deserve you? Someone who doesn't understand what a treasure they've won just getting to be near you?

"You deserve someone who cares about you," Lauren knows that Camila is the only person who asked if she was okay when she sent a streak snapchat crying a little under a year ago despite the fact that they weren't that close and Camila had other things to worry about. Lauren hadn't thought she was worth a second thought to anyone before Camila proved her wrong.

"You deserve someone who wants the best for you, no matter what it means for them," Lauren remembers how Camila gave up hours at work over winter break so Lauren could get more. Itw as a little thing, and it sucked cause it meant she didn't see Camila at work as much, but she knew Lauren needed the hours and it was sweet and so Camila.

"You deserve someone who sees you, who listens to you above everyone else."

Lauren's never been the type of person who people pay attention to. She's been that person in a group of people who gets cut off time and time again like it's no big deal, and eventually it isn't. It takes it toll on you, having nobody care for a thing you say. Lauren's never been able to hold anyone's attention for too long, and it's okay, really it didn't bother her. But somehow she got Camila to listen to her. She got Camila's attention and now she can't bare the thought of losing it.

Lauren kisses her.

She kisses her in a way that she doesn't think she's ever kissed anybody before and Camia kisses her right back.

It's soft, and it's gentle and it's love and-

"I love you," Camila whispers it against her lips and then pulls her in for more.

She kisses her, gentle and persistent and she doesn't try to make anything else happen, she just kisses her and Lauren was right all those months ago.

Camila is love.

-

She expected Camila to need time, to be confused and to be sweet but to need time.

She doesn't expect Camila to ask her to be official and to bring her to parties as her date and to drag her into the freezer at work for kisses but Camila's always had a way of surprising her.

Everything feels so much happier, so much lighter, so much better. It's like everything she's ever needed has been right here she's just been putting the wrong puzzle pieces in the wrong slots for the entirety of her time so far.

Lucy screams when she tells her.

Well actually that's probably because she doesn't tell her, Lucy kind of walks in on Camila straddling her lap and some clothes may be thrown across the room and-

"Oh my god!" Lucy screams, slamming the door shut behind her but then coming back in and taking in the scene and Lauren hurries to flip Camila over trying to cover whatever she can and Camila giggles into her neck.

"Too late Jauregui we already know you're a bottom," Lucy says instinctively before continuing her shock, "what the fuck? What the fuck? Did I miss something? Like what... when... what... Taylor!"

"What?" Taylor yells back and Camila is still giggling but Lauren is groaning in annoying and grabbing a blanket to pull over their naked top halves.

"Get in here right now oh my god, girl," Lucy yells back.

"Can you like get out?" Lauren snaps but is finding it hard to keep a straight, intimidating face with her half naked girlfriend, yeah I said it girlfriend, underneath her laughing hysterically at this point.

"I was about to take a nap Luc, what is- Oh my god!" Taylor enters the picture, annoyed at first but then breaking into a huge grin and laughing along with Lucy and Camila, "oh my god what the fuck?"

"Oh my god can you guys like, let us get dressed maybe," Lauren asks, and Camila is laughing a little less now and instead rubbing circles onto Lauren's lower back and god to this day Lauren is amazed at how well Camila can calm her down.

"You owe us answers," Lucy says, pointing an accusing finger at the two of them. "We'll give you three minutes, no funny business come down as soon as you can cause mama's gotta know the details," and yeah, Lauren is annoyed, but she can't stay annoyed when they shut the door and Camila pulls her down for a soft kiss.

"I love you, a lot," Camila smiles against her lips, and lauren loves hearing Camila say that more than anything in the entire world.

"I love you," Lauren agrees, pulling away and pushing herself up on her hands above Camila. "Now let's get dressed, before they come back in and get worse."

(Lauren would usually feel pressure to wait to take her shirt off for someone because of how she's been taunted about doing it too fast before, but Camila makes her feel loved and understood and she knows Camila would never brag or exploit their relationship and she loves her.)

Camila is wonderful. She's the most wonderful person Lauren has ever met, and now she gets to be in love with her and she gets to be loved back in a way she's never felt before.

And as Camila interlocks their fingers, her goofy, beautiful smile in place, and tugs Lauren down the hallway, Lauren thinks she could get used to the feeling of being this happy.

(Camila serenades her too, usually with Crazier, since she knows it's Lauren's favorite and she doesn't want to leave messy memories attached because she loves Lauren and she thinks Lauren's favorite song should be nothing less than perfectly associated.)

(Camila is really Lauren's favorite, but that goes without saying.)

 

I've been falling in love with you for years now, and now that I'm in love with you I just keep falling and falling and falling and I don't know if I'm ever gonna be able to fall out. 

god, I hope that I don't, loving you is everything 

-5/30/19 CC


End file.
